Without You
by Writer in the making
Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. However, sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But there are things in life that are just too important to miss out on!
1. Losing You

Title**: Without You**  
Author: Writerinthemaking  
Email:   
Feedback:Greatly appreciated  
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny  
Rating: M j- just to be sure.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the lessons of love and life in this mosaic of feelings. The story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can alter even the strongest love and devotion. However, underneath it all nothing is of course as it seems.

Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional, but there are elements from the real show.  
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995

Authors Note: Some people sing, some people paint and some people write. Writing is like breathing. Essential to my life. This story is one I have been working on for quite a long time. The relationship between CJ and Danny and the conflicts it represents is worthy of it's own show. This story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can put even the strongest love to the test.

**Without You**

I could hardly believe it  
When I heard the news today  
I had to come and get it straight from you  
They said you were leavin'  
Someone swept you heart away  
From the look upon your face I see it's true  
So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'  
Then tell me one thing more before I go

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
How am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

I didn't come here for cryin'  
Didn't come here to breakdown  
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end  
An how can I blame you  
When I built my world around  
The hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends  
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
When even now it's more than I can take

And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming  
Now that your dream has come true

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you  
Now that I've been lovin' you so long  
How am I supposed to live without you  
How am I supposed to carry on  
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

By Michael Bolton

**-**

**1. Losing You**

**Sometime during November 05**

The rain silently tapped on her bedroom window. A thin line of light from the street lamp outside fell though the slight crack between the curtains. She slowly rolled over and faced the window. She drew the covers closer and let out a long sigh. A car passed outside on the street. As she tossed and turned the numbers on her clock on the bedside table changed from 2.59. to 3.00 am. She tried to stop the tears from running down her cheeks but nothing seemed to help. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep. The tears keep sliding slowly from her lightly closed eyes. Sometime during the next hour she drifted into a dreamless sleep. The sound of the doorbell rose her from her sleep not too many hours later.

She tried to ignore the sound and go back to sleep. She had unhooked the phone sometime last night so no one could get to her. She had eventually tuned off her clock after going crazy from watching the minutes go by without any sleep. She somehow managed to drift off again. The bliss of the darkness would again cloud her thoughts for a couple of hours and she thankfully welcomed the soft darkness.

The smell of something Italian, could be lasagna, brought her back to life. Her stomach could use some food. Something besides the tea and dry toast she had managed to eat in the last couple of days. Turning to take a look at the clock she remembered she had turned it off. She glance back over her shoulder and saw the last rays of the sun setting. She sat up and let out a loud sigh when she realized how heavy her head felt. She felt like taking a shower. She wondered how long she had been sleeping. How many days it had been. Been since he had left. She felt the tears well up and was about to lay back down when she heard someone humming lightly. She suddenly remembered the smell that had awoken her. Who could possibly be here. Only he had a key and she was absolutely sure it wasn't him.

The sound of someone knocking slightly on the bedroom door startled her.

"Come in", she felt both relieved and somewhat embarrassed when she saw the person in the doorway.

The First Lady, Abbey Bartlet stared intensely at the woman in front of her. The younger woman in front of her had dark circles under her eyes, her eyes were red and puffy, from all the crying she presumed, and her auburn hair needed to be washed. She was wearing a worn out men's t-shirt with that looked a little worn out after a couple of days in bed.

"How are you feeling?", Abbey walked over and sat down on the side of the big king size bed.

"What are you doing here?", CJ asked trying to push away all those inevitable questions.

"Carol tried calling you so many times she nearly blocked the line. Leo finally came over and stood outside your door for an hour using all the battery in your doorbell. He came back and said he wanted to break in the door if you didn't call to let anyone know how and where you were. Jed called me and we decided I'd go. Carol found the extra key in your desk." Abbey lightly stroke CJ over her hair as she spoke.

As she spoke tears slowly rolled down CJ's cheeks. She was so happy that they cared this much about her. However, she still felt embarrassed that the First Lady was here taking care of her as if she was a young child. She wasn't used to letting anyone see her at her most vulnerable. Well, no one except him.

"Thank you very much for coming over but I'm going to be fine and..." CJ did her very best to sound convincing but she knew deep down that the First Lady would see right through her.

"Claudia Jean, this is me your friend Abbey. I'm not here as the First Lady. I'm here as your friend. You can drop the act. It's not working. I'm here and I'm not leaving." Abbey Bartlet spoke in her stern doctor – I – know – best - tone, and CJ knew there was no point in arguing.

"Thank you", she wispered and turned her head so her friend wouldn't see the pain in her eyes. Abbey climbed onto the bed and drew her hurting friend into a hug. The two women sat there for a long time. The younger one sharing a bit of her pain with the older and comforting friend. Both of them crying. The younger for her loss, the older for the younger's pain.

---------------------------

Later when the tears had dried up they went to the kitchen and sat down to eat the lasagna Abbey had made. They small-talked and Abbey presented the news of the day to CJ. They cleared the table and waited for the dishwasher to finish. While they waited Abbey decided to see if she could get CJ to open up a bit. Abbey immediately noticed that CJ was only nibbling on her food, eating more bread than lasagna. She decided not to bug CJ about eating, but she needed to know more about what had happened.

"CJ, what happened?" she immediately saw how her friend tensed up and avioded eye contact.

"CJ, I don't want to push you but I think you should talk to someone about what's going on. If not me then someone else. This is too hard for you to deal with yourself. I've known you for a long time and in all these years I've never seen you hurt like this." Abbey spoke in a soothing voice hoping it would ease things almost desperately hoping CJ would open up, so that she could help her.

"Abbey thank you so much for coming over tonight. It was very nice of you but if you don't mind I would like to go to sleep. I'm very tired..." CJ did her best to sound convincing. She had truly felt better in the last couple of hours but she suddenly felt cornered and was desperately looking for the nearest escape route.

Abbey realized she wouldn't get closer to what exactly had happened but she was determined not to let CJ go back to that bed and cry all night long.

"Okay, I'm not going to push you. I know this must be extremely difficult for you", she stopped momentarily when she saw tears brimming in the eyes of her friend. "CJ I'm gonna stay tonight. I'll take the couch." Watching her friend getting ready to protest she continued "I am not leaving you alone. You might not want to talk now but there is no way I'm leaving you. CJ, for Gods sake you never behaved like this before. I know things are just too hurtfull for you to tell me right now." CJ seemed to ease up a little when she understood her friend would stay. As much as she wanted to go back to her bed and curl up she didn't want her friend to leave. She had come to dread the silence and the loneliness of her own company. She finally nodded and for a short while let herself be convinced that everything was going to be okay.

"Why don't you go take a shower and get ready for bed. I have to call Jed and tell him I'll be staying and then I'll make the couch, okay?" Abbey was already on her way into the living room when CJ realized that she could really do with a nice long shower. She went into the bathroom. Once there she decided on the hot tub instead. She went into her bedroom trying not to look at the bed. The memories of their lovemaking still made her slightly lightheaded and flushed but the sorrow inside her was threatehing to destroy those memories forever. She heard Abbey speaking in the living room but couldn't make out the exact words.

---------------------

"Jed I swear, I've never seen her like this. She is devastated. You'll have to get Toby to cover for her for some time. Just tell them she is sick. The flu-season is peaking so hopefully they'll accept that" As Abbey spoke with her husband she looked outside into the cold winter night.

"Mmm... Yes I think so to, that's why I thought I'd stay the night. She shouldn't be alone." Abbey walked over to couch and sat down. She heard CJ walking around on the other side of the wall and her mind drifted to her friend.

"Oh yes, I'm sorry Jed, I'm here...mmm... She's taking a shower right now. Mmmm... and I was just thinking I might like a word with that reporter-boyfriend of hers." Abbey felt so incredibly angry at Danny for doing this.

"No Jed, I'm sure the FBI has better things to do than to look for an top-ass-idiot like him." However, her husband's idea did make her smile. He was so cute. She loved him. The way she felt about him and vice versa, that was the way she thought CJ and Danny felt about each other. She had been so sure he felt that way about CJ. It had taken Danny such a long time to get close enough to her. CJ had always feared being hurt but eventually she had opened up to him. Abbey was quite sure CJ did love him as well. When they looked at each other there was truly profound love mixed with the obvious passion. She suddenly remembered when she had caught them making out in CJ's office one late night. Jed had told her CJ was wrapping up the last things before a big morning brie fing when he got back late that night. She went down to talk to her friend and to tell her to go home and get some rest. She walked down the silent halls and entered the west wing. She was almost by CJ's office door when she heard CJ laughing. Then she saw them. Danny had CJ pinned up against the bookshelf. They were kissing. It looked so innocent but at the same time very passionate. She turned to leave and accidently knocked over a lamp. The two inside the office jumped apart and only got to see the back of the First Lady walking down the hall laughing. She later found out that it truly was the first time their lips had met. CJ had told her that during a lunch some time after.

"Jed I think I have to go. I'll be back sometime tomorrow but I might stay a couple of days. I'm not coming back until she has told me everything. And I've broken Danny's neck." They said their goodbye's and she hung up.

She got up to prepare the couch for the night. She thought of CJ. She hoped she would open up and tell her about what had happened. She mentally kicked herself for being so sure about Danny. That he would never hurt CJ. That he loved CJ. Something very bad had happened.

However, she was still sure that he loved her but then why had he left? It didn't make sense.

-------------------------------

CJ slowly lowered herself into the damp water. She had added some of her favorite bath salt with lilac flavour. She laid back and for the first time in God knows how many days she actually felt good. She lay for a while and no thoughts what-so-ever crossing her mind. She was just about to drift off to sleep when Abbey lightly knocked on the bathroom door.

"CJ", there was just a hint of worried urgency in voice.

"I'm fine Abbey, I'll be out in a little while, okay?" she answered, soundlessly thanking her friend for staying.

"I'll make you some hot tea when you get out, it'll help you sleep" CJ heard Abbey walking away from the door and tried to resume with her thoughtless slumber. But the thoughts were back. She closed her eyes feeling the smoothness of the water covering her. When she closed her eyes she could still smell him on her, his aftershave. She could almost feel his arms craddeling her in her sleep. She felt the tears forming and didn't fight them.

Her thoughts went back to that night six months ago when they had crossed the line between being just friends and becoming something more. More intimate that's for sure.

------------------------

**Six months earlier – June 05**

CJ Gregg stood on the podium giving the summer vacation craving press the latest on the Presidents agenda. She felt tired and slightly uncomfortable. The weather was unusually humid and hot this first week of June. The briefing today was quite short and without any major things. It had been a very slow week. This Friday had not been any different than the last two or three days.

"That's a full lid. See you all in the morning, now go home and enjoy the weather." She gathered her notes. She noticed how several of the reporters actually seemed to follow her suggestion. However her own personal favorite was missing. She left the press room. Carol walked with her and the two women losely spoke as they walked back to her office.

"So next up is a meeting with Leo in 20 minutes, briefing the President and a meeting with a representative from Mert Media. And CJ I hope it would be okay if I went home a little early today because..." Carol said. The first part of her informative speech in her daily –you have to do this next- tone of voice the last part was said in a more nervous way.

"Carol I know your big date is tonight" CJ smiled at her blushing assistant and continued "I think you told me at least ten times these past three days. If you mention it once more you'll have to do overtime. Now tell me where he's taking you", CJ felt a little twinge somewhere deep inside her heart. She sometimes wished she was the one going out on a big date every two weeks like her assistant.

Carol began explaining but CJ found herself no really paying attention. They got to her office and Carol finished her small speech. CJ walked into her office. She closed the door behind her and sat down on her couch with a small sigh. She tossed of her shoes and threw her long legs up on the small table by the couch. She sat back and for the first time in what felt like months but had probably only been days had a minute to herself. She closed her eyes and just sat there for a while.

She was disturbed by a sudden knock on the door. She took a deep breath before answering.

"Yes Carol what is it?" she opened her eyes to the one entering. It was Danny. Her heart skipped a beat and small butterflies gathered in her stomach. The sight of him always made her feel better and somehow desired. They had always had something special but she had never allowed him or even more importantly herself to act on it. It was the obvious interest of conflict. He had just returned from a two week assignment in London. He had called once to reaffirm some numbers but in reality he had called because he wanted to hear her voice.

"Hey you. I come bearing gifts" he said before she had a chance to throw him out. He knew she sometimes wanted him there but threw him out to make a statement. He didn't want today to be one of those days. He had missed her. She looked good, even beautiful. She always did but he did see a hint of exaustion in her eyes. She wore a light blue shirt under a black figure tailored blazer and a quite tight black pincil skirt. One of those that slid up a bit when walking and sitting down. He couldn't quite get his eyes away from her long and slender legs. They were so amazing and beautiful. If he could only...

"Earth to Danny!" CJ called him back from his thoughts. She secretly smiled when she saw his eyes wandering. She liked the fact that he looked at her. And the way in which he did it. No one else hardly did. At least not in that way. But since she had met him she would always feel next to naked when he was around. Sometimes it would be disturbing that he would almost undress her with his eyes but right now it was okay. She had had a hard time admitting to herself that she probably – well she surely had more than just friendly feelings for him. She had missed him. And if these small visits was all they could have for now it would have to do.

"Sorry, I was just thinking how much I like your skirt", Danny said with a slight smile on his face.

"Don't start getting any ideas. Come in and close the door", she put her shoes back on and walked around to her desk and sat down. Making the space between them a security buffer.

He came over and placed a gift bag on her desk.

"One for each of my girls", he said and gave her a heartwarming smile.

She opened Gail's first. It was a Big Ben ornament for her bowl. She then pulled out a small jewellery box. She looked up at him in surprise. He nodded at her reassuringly and gestured for her to open the box.

Inside was a stunning pair of gold earrings.They were small hoops with three small golden leafs hanging from them. She looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

"Danny this is too much. I can't accept this. I mean this is such a nice gift but it comes with obligations I can't fulfill" she looked straight at him while speaking. She wanted to see his reaction. He as well scanning her face for feedback.

"I want you to have these. I want this, whatever this is, to work and I spent the last two weeks figuring out how to make it work. It's going to be..." he was interrupted by her.

"No Danny. I'm so sorry I know I'm not being fair. But that goes for you as well. This is too much and you know it. This, you and me, us or whatever you want to call it. I don't know what this really is. But it can't happen and you know that. Bringing Gail things and presents is okay but not this. People are going to..." this time it was her turn to be interrupted.

"CJ I don't care anymore. I don't care about other people. I care about you and me and us. I know we can make something work. This is something good. Why wont you admit that? Admit that you like me, God damn'it." His voice rose with every new sentence. "CJ I would never hurt you. Please let me in..." when he saw the amazement and tears in her eyes he stopped momentarily to let her in.

"Please keep your voice down" she bluntly told him before continuing "I think you have to go now. I have to go meet Leo in a minute" was all she said.

"CJ I would never hurt you. Please let me in..." when he saw the determined look in her eyes he stopped. He starred at her in surprise. This was not the way he had wanted this day to turn out. He angrily walked away from her and harshly opened the door.

"Why don't you sort out your priorities and get back to me. I'm tired of being your part time friend part time something else" he almost yelled back at her and with that he turned to walk out and almost ran straight into the First Lady who was on her way to CJ's office.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Bartlet" he managed to say before he ran past her and down the hall to the press area.

By the time the First Lady had observed the entire ending of the heated argument and 'till she had told Carol to hold all calls and closed the door behind her as she entered the office, CJ had turned her office chair so that it had its back towards the door and the First Lady.

"Well, and I thought I was going to come down and stir things up a bit on this slow Friday. However, I see you as always managed to make the right arrangements." The First Lady said in a light tone as she walked slowly towards the desk.

"Claudia Jean I thought the two of you had solved this thing a long time ago. Why won't you just let him in. He clearly cares a great deal for you. And to be honest I think you care about him too. And don't tell me that it's because of Leo, Toby or my husband. They all think with their very manly and politically charged brains. You should take some pointers from me and think with your heart and all the irrationality your can get within sight of. Listen to your heart instead of pushing him away all the time. You might end up losing him" The First Lady stopped when she heard CJ break down in sobs.

She quickly walked around and hugged the crying younger woman.

CJ cried for a long time, her head placed on the First Lady's shoulder and expensive Chanel suit. But none of them cared.

"Abbey I don't know how to do all this dating, relationship, lovers, family-thing. It scares me. It scares me that I actually like him that much. But most of all it scares me that he might eventually end up leaving me and I'll just hurt even more" CJ said the last part of the sentence without any tears. She had used them all before.

"I can't promise you that there will no hurting or pain. Ever time you put your heart out there that is what you risk. But you can't stay cooped up in here hiding your heart. And that very feisty reporter of yours might be one of the most honest men you'll every meet. And CJ" The First Lady added as she put a loose stay of CJ's hair behind her ear "I truly think he is the one for you. Don't worry he wouldn't hurt you... he loves you. You can do this just take it one step at the time."

With that the First Lady had done what she thought right. She gave CJ a hug and left her to reconsider all that had happended during the last hour.

She walked out and thanked Carol for not letting anyone disturb them. She ordered that CJ should go home. When she heard about CJ's already very delayed time schedule she sighed.

"Well, at least promise me she'll leave early and won't work too hard", with that she left.

---------------------------------------------

Several hours later the First Lady greeted her husband with a kiss as he entered their bedroom sometime around midnight.

"I'm sorry I'm so late. Briefing on the healthcare plan tomorrow. I'm so sleepy" with that the President walked over to their bed and suggestively reached for his wife.

"Well, then you should get some sleep" she answered him back in a huskey voice "Everyone's gone home?" she asked as he climbed into their bed.

"Yes, besides CJ she's working on the last lines", he leaned towards her to kiss her but was surpriced when she suddenly got out of be and walked towards her closet.

"Seriously, you men! I told you CJ had to leave early. I talked to her today, she needs rest. And that's an order! I'm going to go tell her to go straight home right now", and with that the First Lady left her husband and walked towards CJ's office.

Meanwhile in CJ's office things were heating up. She had worked late again tonight. But she gladly stayed. It would keep her mind of things. However, she still had time to reconsider and think about what the First Lady had told her. She slowly, very slowly began admitting to herself that Danny meant more to her than some random reporter. She sat there at her desk more or less speaking to herself or Gail when he came to her office.

'Am I crazy? Huh? Should I just give it a shot? I must be going crazy, right?" she said out loud with a small laugh to underline her own situation. Danny rounded the corner and just caught the last of her statement.

"You know who's crazy? I am...", he said while leaning on her doorway. She looked up at him and smiled. She felt so bad for what had happened earlier and she knew she had to make good again.

"Danny, I'm so sorry..." he walked towards her locking eyes with her. Making her stop talking and just look at him. He walked around the desk and learned in.

"Don't be sorry. I know you are scared. It was good you got it our of your system. But you have to understand that I already know we'll end up together", he placed a small piece of paper infront of her. While she read it he walked back and closed the door.

"Daily Horoscope.

Make a move for it.

Things are bound to

Turn out right. If you

Are looking for love look

No further but take a chance

And discover the small pleasures."

The last sentence made her heart begin to pound. She felt a warmt in her stomach somewhat beginning its journey downwards. Danny was now infront of her. He pulled her up into his embrace and for a while they just stod there.

He was thinking of how he should convince her of their perfect match here and now.He knew he would never get a better chance. He kept telling himself. Take it slow and don't scare her. Don't let your emotions and whatever more passionate feelings get the good of you.

She was thinking that this was it. She had to let him in and try this before she refused it. But she felt the fear inside her grow. She felt very open and vulnerable right at this very moment. She very slowly let her guards down. He made her feel safe and loved. His eyes burned through her soul. She shivered when his hands found their way from her back to the sides of her face.

"CJ, let me in" was all he said before he every so slowly leaned in to kiss her. The kiss was very subtle and innocent. She surrendered completely to his slow kisses. He held her in a tight embrace and carresed her hair.

They broke free and looked into each others eyes. He then guided them towards the bookshelf. He pinned her up against it. With one hand he drew her pelvis close to his. She felt his erection press into her stomach and smiled before kissing him once more. He then took her wrists and lifted her arms over her head and held them there as he leaned in for a kiss. He felt her tense up. With her arms over her head she was completely open to him. He saw the withdrawl in her eyes. He let go of her hands and lightly cubbed her face.

"I will never hurt you. Never. CJ I love you!" She sighed at his words and drew him in for another kiss feeling hidden emotions and feelings grow and turn into fullblown butterflies in her stomach. Their kiss grew more and more passionate. He still keep a little distance but she became more confident and pulled him towards her. Their pelvises bumped into each other and they both breathed in sharply. She could feel his hard erection against her thigh and it suddenly made her very aware of the surroundings.

"Danny we can't, I mean, not here", he put a finger to her lips to silence her.

"We wont. We'll take it slow and our first time should truly be an exclusive. No work, no staff and no Gail." he answered her with a grin.

She laughed and they resumed their kissing. Still feeling the heat growing more warm.

Suddenly there was a loud crash. They jumped apart just in time to see the First Lady walking back towards the private residence. She was laughing lightly and just then CJ began laughing again. She suddenly felt so free and happy. She pulled Danny with her out the door.

--------------------------------

**Sometime in November 05**

CJ awoke in the tub when the water had become cold. She opened her eyes hoping he would be there with her. She knew he wasn't. She looked at the clock on her handwash she had slept for almost 45 minutes. She had to get up. She got up and got into her pyjamas.

When she entered the livingroom she saw Abbey sitting in the couch reading. She joined her under the big bourgundy red plaid. A blanket she had often shared with Danny. They just sat for an hour, sipping hot tea and talking quietly about nothing really. They said goodnight and CJ went back to her bedroom and tried to go to sleep. It took several hours but somehow she managed to fall asleep.

Abbey was up three times that night. She wanted to make sure CJ got some sleep. Surprisingly enough she actually slept all night. Abbey guessed she was so exausted from all the things that had happened during the last week.


	2. Truth and Heartache

Title: Without You  
Author: Writerinthemaking   
Email: Greatly appreciated  
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny

Rating: M  
Summary: CJ and Danny face the lessons of love and life in this mosaic of feelings. The story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can test even the strongest love.  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional, but there are elements from the real show.  
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995

Authors Note: On with the story. I hope you llike it...

**2. Truth and Heartache**

Early next morning Abbey woke up to some rather strange sounds. She sat up and then remembered where she was. She heard the toilet flush and realised what had woken her up. She rushed to the bathroom only to find the door was locked. She called out for CJ but got no reply.

She knocked on the door but there was no answer.

"Claudia Jean I'm warning you, if you don't open this door this minute I'll go get my secret service agents to break in the door and drag you out", Abbey was relieved when she heard the key being turned.

She stepped in and almost fell back when CJ almost collapsed in her arms.

"I'm sorry", was all CJ was able to say before she broke down and started crying. Abbey led them to the tub where they could sit down their backs against the tub. There was a faint smell of vomit in the room mixed with some perfume CJ had tried to hide the smell with.

Abbey took a good look at her friend. Then came one of the questions CJ had been dreeding ever since Abbey stepped into her bedroom yesterday.

"How far long are you?", Abbey mentally kicked herself a bit for not noticing before now.

"Eight weeks", CJ wispered. She looked so lost and confused. Abbey gave her friend a hug.

"CJ, that's wonderful. A baby", Abbey said with a smile.

"There is nothing wonderful about this whole mess", CJ answered her before she suddenly brushed past Abbey to throw up again.

CJ felt a hand pulling away her hair from her face and a reasuring hand on her back as she emptied out the last of her stomach.

The tears streaming down her face was part from the throwing up and part because what she really wanted was someone else holding her hair back rubbing her back.

"CJ I'm going to change your sheets while you take a shower, would that be okay", Abbey asked CJ a while later when CJ was brushing her teeth.

CJ stopped brushing. The sheets. That was the last she had of him right now. They still smelled like him, of them, of their passionate lovemaking. It might have seemed unrational to most people but she couldn't possibly loose everything now.

Abbey seemed to know what was going through CJ's mind.

"CJ I'll leave the sheets on", Abbey saw the relieved expression on CJ's face and continued "why don't you take a shower. I have to go back to the White house for an hour or so. When I come back we'll have lunch," CJ nodded and saw Abbey leave. A couple of minites later she heard the frontdoor being closed.

She slowly walked to the bedroom. She had several reasons as to why she didn't want Abbey to change the sheets. Not only because of the memories. She walked over to the bed and lifted one of the pillows. Under it lay her pregnancy test. The one she had been hiding for almost three weeks... she pushed away the memories of that faithful night a week ago.

She opened her bedside-tabledrawer and placed the test in there.Then she went back to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As she stod under the hot water she remembered their very first time. When they had crossed the ultimate line from friends to lovers.

-----------------------

**A Friday night in July 05**

She was wrapping up the last of the days work when he knocked on her office door. She looked up and saw him standing there in a black amarni suit with a big bunch of red roses in his arms. She smiled.

"What are you doing here? You were supposed to pick me up at home in an hour. I was just about to rush out of here to go home and get dressed", she felt her heart pound with happiness as she watched him walk against her. He came over and loosely dropped the roses on his way over. They created a small path all the way to the officedoor. He dropped the last ones just in front of her and drew her in for a very passionate kiss. The kissed grew deeper and deeper and only ended because they both needed air at some point.

"See you in an hour" and with that he gave her a small kiss on the nose, turned and left the office. She smiled and quickly gathered her things. During the last weeks their relationship had gone from small kissing sessions to very elaborate make out scenes almost everywhere they had the chance to. However only some of staff knew they were dating. At least officially knew. The First Lady had been a great help. She had convinced Leo, Toby and even the President that they were two adults and that they both deserved to be happy. That they knew how to seperate their personal and private lives. The last years had shown that they were aware of the obvious conflict of interest.

When she walked out of the office she saw that the path of roses continued around the corner. She smiled and followed it. The path continued all the way to her car. Several of the staffers noticed and smiled at her as she walked by. She couldn't believe he had done this. Somewhere in her usually very rational brain she questioned the sanity in this but her heart told her to enjoy it.

She arrived at her frontdoor and found a note stuck under the door. She bend down and picked it up. She opened it and read:

"Tonight is going to be

The single most important

Exclusive I'll ever get.

Thank you so much for

Letting me in. I love you

- D"

She felt the tears well up and quickly let herself in. She didn't have much time but she had prepared things before she left for work this morning. She stepped into the shower only minutes after arriving home. The black silk dress with a rather deep v-cut in front and an open back already lay ready on her bed. It had two doubble twisted black straps and she was going to wear the gold leaf earrings he had given her and a small gold medalion in a long chain as a necklace. She used her hairstraighter to make her hair just right. Applied make up and finished with a splash of her favorite perfume. The smell of the lilacy perfume and the odour from her shampoo surrounded her in a feeling of sheer happiness. She looked into the full length mirror and felt glad about the result. She wore black stilettos with only a short heel. She applyed a bit of rosy lipgloss and was ready just when the doorbell rang.

She picked up her black pearl clutch bag and walked to the door. She took a deep breath before opening the door.

The expression on Danny's face was worth all the hours she had spent looking for the perfect dress.

"You look...", Danny couldn't speak but the look in eyes said it all. Tears had gathered in his eyes and he reached for her as he stepped in and placed the buket of roses on the table. He drew her in for a kiss and they just stod there for a while kissing. The kisses were slow and sensitive. When they broke apart he smiled at her and tucked a small piece of hair behind her ear.

"You look amazing. If I knew how beautiful you would be tonight I would have made reservations in Paris", he spoke in a low husky tone.

"Danny, I'm sure tonight will be perfect anyway", she said in a slightly shy tone. Even though he would always compliment her she was still not completely used to all the attention. She loved it but still felt a little embarresed by his nice words.

"Hey you" he reached for her chin and slowly turned her face towards his. "You have to believe me when I say you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met", he leaned in and kissed her very passionately.

She groaned a little when he drew her pelvis closer and their bodies were in full contact. He was definetely ready for something else than dinner and she felt the warmt in her heart begin to work its way downwards. He then broke the kiss and took her hand leading her out the door and to dinner.

They ate dinner at a small very romantic restaurant. They didn't speak much but their eyes never left each other.

"Danny thank you for the path of roses earlier today", she thanked him by leaning in and giving him a sultry kiss.

He was about to say something when he felt her hand slowly tracing circles on his left thigh. His hand caught hers under the table. He leaned in and wispered:

"If you keep doing that I'm not going to last very long"

"Then let's get out of here", she looked at him passion flaring in her eyes.

They paid and were back at her apartment in less than 20 minutes. On the elevator up to her floor they were making out like horny teenagers. Inside her apartment he suddenly felt her slow down and tense up. She untangled herself from him and walked past him into her living room. He feared that he might'd scared her but she had seemed pretty okay with things just a few minutes ago and she did start it at the restaurant.

"CJ..." he began but she cut him off.

"Danny I'm sorry it's not that I don't want to, I do, but it's been like forever since I ... I mean I might not be ... " She avoided his gaze the entire time she spoke. She began walking towards the kitchen but he got to her first. He drew her into his embrace.

"CJ I've wanted to do this ever since I laid eyes on you. And hey I'm not exactly Brad Pitt am I? I am just as nervous as you. If this is moving to fast we'll not do this tonight. Just remember I love you Claudia Jean. I want you want this as much as I do. Don't worry I know you'll do great, you'll be great. I mean if only half the fire and passion from your kisses and beautiful looks goes into this I will die a happy man." Danny tried his best not to scare her but he wanted her to know he would be there for her no matter what. She looked at him and slowly let her hands wander from his face to his back and down.

He kissed her and let his own hands wander down her backside. As they slowly found their way to her bedroom he wispered:

"CJ let me in" she stopped for a second and wisperd back:

"You already are" and with that they closed the door behind them to the bedroom.

-------------------------------

**Sometime in November 05**

CJ stepped out of the shower. The memories from their first night as lovers had almost made her dizzy. The night had been perfect and she had never expirenced anything as beautiful and passionate before. They had waited for such a long time and all that passion and hidden feelings had gone into that very night. She remembered how he had held her afterwards not allowing her to think and rationalize in the way she would normally do.

She got into some fresh clothes and went to her bedroom. Abbey wasn't back yet. Suddenly she felt very sleepy and decided to lie down for a couple of minutes. She removed most of the pillows and found what she was looking for. His grey Boston Globe sweatshirt. She could still smell him and feel him around her, inside her, when she put her head down on the shirt. She soon drifted off to sleep and was still sleeping an hour later when Abbey returned.

Abbey locked herself in and immediately noticed the silence. She walked through the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom before she found CJ sleeping in her bed. She saw the Boston Globe sweatshirt and smiled. She did the same thing when Jed went away on a trip. She let CJ sleep and went back to the kitchen to make them some lunch.

She had also brough some salty crackers and som ginger ale for CJ to eat in the morning to help with the morning sickness. She placed all the different fruits she had brought in two big bowls. She needed to get CJ eating a lot. She had to eat for the baby as well and in the last two days she figured the most she had eaten was a small piece of lasagna and some dry toast. But for now she needed sleep. She had been stressed out and that didn't go well with a new pregnancy.

Her cellphone rang and she went to the living room to answer it.

"Yes, aha I see. Atlanta. Did he change flights after that?" she wrote the information down on a piece of paper.

"He did what? But what about his assignments? He just left it all and quit? I understand. But you don't know where he is right now? Keep looking okay. I want to know when and where you find him asap. Thank you," Abbey turned around to hang up the phone and saw CJ standing in the livingroom doorway looking at her.

"What do you think you're doing?", CJ voice was high and angry. She couldn't believe her friend.

"CJ, calm down I just wanted help you. I hate seing you like this. Please forgive me I just had to do something. You have to deal with this CJ, you can't stay locked up here forever," Abbey walked over to CJ but CJ turned and walked into her bedroom slamming the door after her.

One one side of the door Abbey leaned in and put her right hand palm to the door. She knew the right thing would have been to let CJ come out and tell her the entire story herself. But she so wanted to rip Danny's head off and she was enclined to find him herself. On the other side of the door CJ slowly crumbled and slid to the floor. She was angry with Abbey for invading her privacy but most of all she was mad at herself. Mad at herself for throwing away the best thing she ever had. It was entirely her fault that he had left. She knew that, but Abbey didn't.

-----------------------------

**The end of August 05**

It had been eight incredible weeks together. CJ couldn't believe how amazing and sweet Danny could be. Every night they would meet up, mostly at her apartment where they practically lived. They would have dinner, watch old movies, dance, drink good wine and make love all night long.

Every morning she awoke from his kisses or she would wake him with slow and soft kisses. They would usually make love but sometimes they came close to oversleeping so they'd have to hurry. But they never really overslept because she always managed to set the alarmclock at some point during the night.

Every night except this night. The night before the President was supposed to go on his big trip to Europe.

She woke when the rays of the sun were so warm the made her skin tingle. She slowly moved feeling him tighten his hold a little bit. Spooned behind her his one arm under her head his other hand lazily swung over her body his right hand lightly cubbing her breast. She felt complete right in that second. She turned around to kiss him but her eye caught the red numbers on the clock beside her. It read 8.29. am. She sat up straight almost ripping Danny's arm of in the proces. He sleepily pulled at her to lie back down.

"Danny wake up we seriously overslept. Air Force One leaves for Bruxelles in 45 minutes. Get up", She shock him hard to make him wake up.

"Awuch... ", he woke and sat up. He saw her flying in and out the bedroom and bathroom. She was putting on a suit as she packed the last couple of things.

"Get going. Shouldn't you meet with your editor this morning before leaving", she zipped her bags and was almost out the door when he caught up with her. He got between her and the frontdoor and looked at her.

"Danny get out of my way. I'm late enough as it is and..." she was beginning to sound slightly desperate.

"Darling, you'll make it. Don't worry they wont say anything. Anyone can oversleep and we'll just have to survive the couple of jokes that might come our way. It's about time we go public anyway isn't it?" Danny saw how she avoided his look. He leaned in for a kiss but she only gave him a quick peek on the cheek. Then she was out the door and called out for him to lock up when he left, which after her watch would be within the next ten minutes if he still wanted to go to Europe.

Danny quickly packed his things and was out the door in five minutes. He knew he had to be there soon and he hoped they could talk on the plane. She needed, he needed and they needed to go public with their relationship soon. Several of the staffers and a couple of his friends in the press corps knew about the two but most people still didn't know anything. They had managed to keep it very secretive and hidden from most people. He knew she dredded her credibility and her future carrier. But at the same time he knew she would have to admit to herself that there could, should and would be a life after the Bartlet-administration.

CJ rushed into the airport with a slightly stressed look on her face. She ran into the presidential lounge and bumped into Donna.

"CJ you're very late. I tried calling you a million times.", CJ remembered that she had unhooked the phone last night because she had to change the batteries but she must have forgotten to open it again. She mentally kicked herself for that stupidity.

They quickly walked to the plane. CJ quickly walked to her compartment and placed her bags before checking her make up and hair. For a women who hadn't slept that much and missed the shower she looked quite okay. She walked out to join the others.

"Nice of you to join us CJ and must I say you look very radiant this very fine morning", Josh said in a teasing tone. He was about to continue when Donna placed a high heel on his toes. He made a painful sound and decided not to elaborate further on his prior statement.

The President and First Lady arrived just then. They said their hello's and as the President resigned to talked to Leo and Toby about the meeting schedule the First Lady asked CJ to join her in the private residence. However, CJ needed to brief the press before she would have time to join the First Lady. But the flight to Bruxelles was almost 8 hours so they would have time to meet.

CJ want back to the press lounge. She instantly scouted out Danny. He was talking to one of the other reporters. She was new. CJ had only met her a couple of times. She was there to follow the Presidents journey to Europe. She was accredited a big french news paper but CJ thought she remembered her being from Chicago or was it Atlanta.

After her briefing CJ tried to pull Danny aside for a small conversation. She wanted him to know that she felt confident enough to go public. She had realised this morning that she truly loved him. Really deeply loved him. She wanted entire world to know and she knew she had carried herself very unfortunate this morning just before she left.

"Danny could I have a word with you", she walked over to him and the younger woman. They were laughing and CJ were hit by a serious wave of jealousy when she saw the woman putting her hand on Danny's shoulder as he showed her something on his computerscreen. The sight of this woman's head on his shoulder brought back some disturbing images to her mind. She tried to regain her confidence and smiled at them.

Danny looked up at her and smiled. She noticted how the younger woman looked at her.

"Oh CJ this is Katherine, she is the reporter from La Nouvelle in Paris" The two woman shock hands. CJ thought she saw tears in the younger woman's eyes but they were quickly blinked away. However, CJ didn't really care at that moment when she heard Danny introduce her.

"And Katherine this is CJ, the White House Press Secretary" he said with a huge smile on his face. When he sensed tense atmosphere between the two women he quickly excused him and CJ.

They went to her compartment making sure no one saw them. As they closed the door behind them CJ didn't know how to react. She didn't want to show her vulnerability but at the same time she was upset with Danny. He had introduced her as the White House Press Secretary. She didn't know what to expect but it had made her feel like some random staffer.

"CJ are you okay?", she felt him encircling her in his arms from behind. She walked out of his arms and sat down on the small couch in her room.

"I thought I was. "Hi this is CJ"" she said in some lame parody of his introductions earlier.

He looked her confused and then a small smile crept onto his face.

"Are you jealous?", he smiled but when he saw the hurt in her eyes. He tried to pull her in for a hug but she pulled away and ran out of the compartment. He stood there looking after her realising he never told her why he was so close with Katherine. He thought back and knew how it must have looked like when Katherine had put her head on his shoulder. He had to talk to CJ. Had to explain and make her see it was her, and only her he cared for.

"CJ I can explain, please let me" Danny ran after her but she was already gone.

She heard him somewhere in the back of her mind just as she entered the door to meet the First Lady as she had promised earlier.

---------------------

"Come in CJ" The First Lady got up to greet her friend and instantly noticed that the shine in Cj's eyes seemed somewhat clouded. She had looked so happy earlier this morning right before take off.

CJ came in and sat down besides Abbey Bartlet. They had a good 8 hours flight infront of them and she could use the advice from her friend. 

"CJ are you alright?" Abbey looked closely at CJ. She saw the insecurities shine through the normally controlled look CJ gave her. Abbey reached over and took CJ's hand.

"What's wrong, I thought everything was going great for you two?" she asked and saw how a single tear formed in CJ's eye.

"I don't know." CJ answered truthfully. "I was going to tell him I love him but then I saw him with that new reporter. Katherine from La Nouvelle. I guess I was stupid enough to think he really cared." She looked at Abbey with big searching eyes. So wanting the older and more expirenced woman to console her.

"He does care, CJ. Who is this Katherine? I don't really know her. I really don't think you have anything to worry about and being jealous is perfectly..." Abbey was interrupted.

"I am certainly not jealous!" CJ stubbornly claimed. She did her best to hide her jealousy but failed miserably. She then remembered she was here because Abbey was her friend and she could really use some advice.

"I don't know how to act, what should I do?" she asked in a small voice. Abbey looked at her friend and knew how much hurting CJ had expirenced in her life, when it came to her love life and she felt compelled to give her the outmost best advice.

"At least let him explain. I know how hard this is, believe me. When it has to do with love and it's the right and true kind all rationality goes out the window. When you're feeling hurt you just want to be angry and fight it off so you wont seem even more vulnerable. But fighting is not always the best thing sometimes you have to listen and give him a break. As I told you it's hard, and I am not the best example. If you don't believe me then ask Jed" she finished hoping she had made sense.

CJ nodded but she still felt a little unsure of Danny's feelings. She had always admired the close relationship and the love between the first couple. She wished she could expirence that as well. Her time with Danny had been so amazing she could hardly believe it. But she was still trying to protect herself. She still remembered how it was to find out the truth about somebody you thought really loved you.

----------------------------

**Dayton, Ohio the summer 1983. CJ 22 years; at college.**

Claudia Jean woke up feeling uneasy and slightly lightheaded. It had been a late night and she remembered having had too many drinks. They had gone out to celebrate the final exam. It had been a great night out and on top of that she had met someone!

She rolled over and found the note he had given her with his phonenumber. She already pondered if she should call him. He had been so sweet and he was so hot! She got up and decided to take a shower before making any other decisions.

She heard the phone ring as she got out of the shower. She ran to pick it up.

"It's Claudia Jean"

"Hi Claud, I just wanted to call you so you could tell me all about that guy you hooked up with last night!"

CJ smiled. Her friend Mary had always been a party girl and she was always in a good mood. It was just like her to call for an update. CJ laughed and started telling her friend about this Peter Jamesson.

"He sound's great. So have you called him yet?" Mary asked eagerly.

"Not yet, Mary it's 10.05 am. I don't want to sound to desperate. Actually, I haven't really decided if I am going to call him." CJ answered while twisting and turning the note with his number.

"Oh, Claudia come on. Have you even had a date this year? Let this guy take you out. You'd might even have a great time" Mary told her. Even though she knew Mary was only being a good friend it stung to hear the truth. She hadn't had a date in a long time, well, to be honest she didn't even remember the last time she went on a date. Right there and then she decided to call him back.

After hanging up with Mary she dialed his number. She was about to hang up when he answered.

"'Hallo?"

"Peter?" for a moment she didn't recognize his voice.

"Claudia? Is that you?" he sounded genuingly and plesantly surpriced.

"I thought I would give you a call. Thank you for last night, I had a great time..." CJ hesitated for a second.

"Claudia Jean I know I might be pushing my luck, but you seem like such an amazing person, do you want to go grab a cup of coffee later on?" he sounded as such a nice person and she felt totally at ease with him at once.

They agreed to go out on a date that afternoon when they met for a cup of coffee. And during the next four months they dated and became very close. She felt happy and content. Peter was such a wonderful person, very thoughtful and considerate. He would always engage in their conversations with a lot of wit and knowledge. They talked into the morning on several occations and she really felt close to him. Eventually they took their relationship to the next level and after they had made love she slowly surrendered to him with all of herself and her trust. Later that would prove to be wrong, but she was young and had never expirenced anything like that before. They way he was about to hurt her would forever make her feel unsure of herself in any of her future relationships.

One day after class she wanted to surprice him and take him out for dinner. They had been dating for almost six months at the time. She arrived at his history class and went in to find him. She couldn't find him at first, but then she saw him sitting almost in the back. He was reading something out of one of his text books and a very good looking blonde was leaning in to listen. Her head was on his shoulder and even though they were very visible to the public they seemed very intimate. CJ felt a knot in her stomach but told herself she was imagining things. Peter and her had been so close for such a long time, they had been dating and they had been sleeping together. He would never...

Just then she saw him turn his head and passionately kiss the blonde by his side. She froze and felt the tears begin to form in her eyes. She felt like her heart litterately broke and she began shaking. She turned to leave just as Peter looked up and saw her standing there right behind them. He looked at her and then at the blonde girl.

She turned and ran out of the auditorium. To this day she didn't remember how she got back to her dormroom. Or how she ever got over the way her heart hurt. She gathered all his things and left them outside his dorm. She did her best to avoid him, but they took some of the same classes. Unfortunately, so did the blonde girl. Mary later told her that he had been seing both CJ and this Sarah in the last month of their relationship. She was grateful for Mary who helped her though the worst times but she still felt a twinge in her heart when she thought of Peter and Sarah kissing and she had promised herself back than that she would never allow herself to be hurt like this again.

--------------------------------

CJ knew in her heart that Danny would never betray her like that but it still pained her to see Katherine's head on Danny's shoulder. It simply brought all her insecurities up to the surface.

As she went from the first couples private part of the plane towards the press area she thought of Abbey's words – she had to let him explain. She entered the press area and immediately saw Danny sitting in the back...talking to Katherine. She felt her stomach flip and was about to turn when he looked up and saw her. In an instant he was by her side.

"CJ please let me explain. It's nothing like that what you saw..." he pleaded with her.

She looked at Katherine who smiled shyly at her and decided to follow Abbey's advice. However she had a briefing she had to prepare and two phone calls to make with British and French press before they landed. She had to start working.

"Danny I have to get back to work but we'll talk later" she told him in a reasuring voice.

"CJ I would never hurt you remember that until I have the chance to explain" Danny answered pulling her with him into the back of the plane. He looked around and gently pushed her into the presidential dining room. Without turning on the lights he closed the door, pushed her up against it and slowly traced a finger from her forehead to her jawline and gave her a long passionate kiss before he pulled back. She reached out for him needing him to lean on, her knees were going weak from the kiss.

"We'll talk later I promise" and then she had to go back to work.

She felt happy and light inside when she walked back to the staff meeting.

When they landed in London they had a couple of hours to themselves before their busy schedule. CJ had only just settled in before there was a knock on the door.

She went to open it and welcomed Danny with a small kiss on the cheek. He came in and led her to a small couch.

"CJ I want to explain what happened on the plane. I know how it must have looked and I never meant to hurt you." He bagan carefully searching her face for persmission to go on.

"Danny I believe you, but you just have to understand it's so hard for me to open up. You know how long it took for me to open up to you. I am just so scared of being hurt." She smiled shyly at him and was relieved when she saw nothing but care and love in his eyes.

"CJ I've known Katherine for a long time." He saw how she slightly tensed and moved her hand from his thigh. She was about to turn slightly but he was faster and grabbed her wrist and turned her towards him so they faced each other.

"She was married to my best childhood friend Will Brady. They meet in France 10 years ago and he was so in love. I remember him coming back with such a new perspective on life. They were so happy. He moved to France and I didn't see him again until their wedding a couple of years ago. They were so happy on that day. The happiness was so obvious and warm. I remember thinking I'd never felt that way before and I would give anything to be as happy as they were. Then I came back to DC and met you!" Danny pulled her in for a comforting hug. CJ felt tears running down her cheeks. She should have know he would never cheat on her, but when he saw Katherines head on his shoulder all her insecurities surfaced.

"CJ are you ok?" he slowly tugged a piece of stray hair behind her ear and wiped away a few of her tears. She nodded at him encouraging him to go on. Danny took a deep breath and continued.

"Last year Katherine found out she was pregnant. Will came to DC on an assignment and I had never seen him so happy before, not even when he got married. He wouldn't stop talking about Katherine and the new baby. I was so happy for them. Their future looked so bright. He went back home and we didn't get a chance to talk for a while. Then I went to London back in June remember?" CJ remembered he had come back from London bearing gifts and smiled softly at the memory.

"They flew in for me to see the new baby, Jennifer. She was simply adorable." A tear slipped down Danny's cheek. CJ wiped it away, her heart breaking as she realised this story did not finish with a happy ending.

"When they went back to Paris they were involved in a terrible car accident. Will was driving and Jennifer was in the front passenger seat in her baby chair, Katherine was in the back. Will and Jennifer were killed..." he paused not having the voice to go on. CJ embraced him and they sat like that for a long time.

"CJ listen to me! When I heard about the accident I decided to go for it with us. Life is too precious and too short to ignore. I love you so much and you're all I ever wanted. I know in my heart I'll never love anyone as much as you. Whenever we are apart I hurt inside, only thinking about when I'll see you again. Today when Katherine was leaning on my shoulder we were watching some pictures of Will and Jennifer he emailed me just before the accident. Katherine is an amazing person she has dealt with this encredible loss in such an impressive way, but sometimes she needs a shoulder to lean on. I hope you understand." Danny finished his story and looked into CJ's eyes only seing love and devoting made him cry. They hugged and sat like that until Leo knocked on her hotel door. He entered seing both of them teary-eyed.

"What happened? CJ?" Leo asked the protecting love for CJ evident in his voice. He was coming to terms with the two of them, but he was always looking out for CJ. She was like a daughter to him. However, he sensed that things were ok, when Danny rose and excused himself after giving CJ a small kiss.

CJ smiled and gave him a small wave as he exited the door. She knew she had to apologize to Katherine and tell Abbey things had worked out just fine. But first and foremost she had to accompany the President to his meeting with the British Primeminister in Downing Street 10.

She followed Leo to the car and the last thing she thought about before the car began moving was that she forgot to tell Danny she loved him.

--------------------------

**November 05**

CJ had fallen asleep on the floor on her side of the door. Abbey had waited for an hour outsiden and then she walked into the bathroom and silently opened the ajoining door to CJ bedroom. When she saw her friend laying on the floor fast asleep she smiled. She went over and covered her with a blanket and gently placed a pillow under her head.

She then sat down at CJ's desk and began wondering what had happened her only days ago.

Only 10 minutes later CJ woke up and saw Abbey sitting at her desk. She rose and walked over.

"Abbey what am I going to do?" she asked so quietly Abbey was unsure she had heard her the first time.

"Sweety that's entirely up to you. But what did Danny say?" Abbey watched as tears started to flow from CJ's eyes. Then it hit her. CJ had never told Danny about the baby.

"CJ what happened between the two of you? Please tell me, I want to help you!" Abbey gently placed a hand on CJ's arm.

" I made him leave. It was all my fault." CJ spoke and this time her tears nearly stopped. She seemed to go into herself and protect herself behind a shell.

"CJ why didn't you tell him about the baby?" Abbey was clueless. He would never have left, had he known she was pregnant. Having a baby was an amazing thing. Something Abbey had secretly wanted for CJ and Danny. They were perfect for each other and they would be the perfect parents.

"He doesn't want children" CJ spoke with a small sigh. Abbey looked at her with disbelief. Danny loved kids, she had seen him with some of the kids that visited the White House from time to time.

"CJ did he tell you that exactly?" she was still unsure of what CJ had just said.

CJ nodded and walked into the bathroom closing the door after her. Once inside she let the tears flow freely again. She felt so alone and scared right now. All she wanted was for Danny to come back and hold her in his arms and tell her everything was going to be alright.

...TBC


	3. Changes

Title: Without You  
Author: Writerinthemaking   
Email: Greatly appreciated  
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny

Rating: M  
Summary: CJ and Danny face the lessons of love and life in this mosaic of feelings. The story deals with their long awaited romance, the hidden feelings and how a small misunderstanding and a big change can test even the strongest love.  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional, but there are elements from the real show.  
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995

Authors Note: On with the story. I hope you llike it...

**3. Changes**

**The end of October 05**

She had never felt this tired before. Every night when she came home she would almost be asleep before she could drag herself to bed. Danny was so nice, he would always just hold her and let her sleep. In the mornings she would feel like her body weighed a thousand pounds. Danny would have to gently wake her again and again. She guessed it was because of the stressfull weeks following their Europe and then Asian tour.

This Friday night she came home to a living room filled with lit candles. Danny had made dinner and they actually had an entire night together. They talked, danced a bit before moving to the bedroom where they made slow and passionate love.

CJ treasured their lovemaking. She felt so protected and safe with Danny which was why she totally surrendered to him and his kisses. She came several times every time they made love and lately she had been even more turned on by him than she had ever been. Danny loved to watch her as she reached her climax. Their hands would be entwined and her ragged breath and the sound of his name when she cried out in exstacy was so incredibly amazing. But lately he had worried about her. She was so tired all the time. Tonight was the first time in two weeks they had made love and she had only been home so early because he had called both Josh and Carol to let them know how exaushed CJ was. He had noticed she had even lost some weight in the last couple of weeks. However, Carol had already noticed and had done her best to plan this Friday so CJ could go home early and have a night off for once.

"CJ are you feeling okay?" Danny asked slowly tracing circles on her stomach.

"Mmm, it feels great" she answered in a relaxed voice.

"I mean, you've been so tired lately and I think you have to eat more. You're so thin. I'm worried about you, don't you think you should go see your doctor?" Danny asked in a concerened but caring voice.

Something in the back of CJ's mind knew he was right but she chose to ignore that little voice. Despite of the fatiguée she had never felt more at ease with herself and her body. This had all changed for the better when she had gotten involved with Danny and even though she knew she had lost a few pounds she just ignored it, thinking it was stress and bad eating habits.

"Danny I'm fine it's just a bit of stress. Don't worry, and being with you is the best medicine for that" she smiled and turned her head to kiss him.

Danny could sense there was something else there. It seemed like she was trying to hide something.

"Are you absolutely sure you're fine? It seems like you're sort of hiding something from me?" he asked gently trying to keep her eyes in lock.

" Okay I admit that lately I have been feeling extraordinarily tired. However there has been so many changes in my life lately and when we took office back in 1999 I remember feeling this way for a long time. My body just needs time to adjust. Mainly I guess I might lack quite a lot of sleep at the moment but I am willing to sacrifice my sleep to be with you and be this happy." She answered him. Danny kissed her and let her roll over on her side so her back was to him. He pulled her in and gently held her as he fell asleep.

CJ lay away most of the night thinking. She knew that everything was definately not alright. She was late, something that had never happened before. Not even when they took office would her body fail to remind her she was still a woman once a month. She had realised she was late ealier today.

**Earlier that day**

Josh and Donna were in CJ's office when she came back from her morning briefing. It was quite a slow morning so she had hoped to get some rest before she had a senior staff meeting in 30 minutes but when she saw the two in her office she knew that plan was out the window.

"Hey guys" she walked in and sat down.

"CJ you have to help us" Donna began but was soon interrupted by Josh.

"We made a bet and we need you to solve it" they both looked at her with eager faces. She sighed putting her hands to her neck and gently massaging it.

"Josh is sure that it's been seven weeks since he last had a night off. But I'm sure it's only been six weeks because..." Donna started to explain in a hurry.

"Wait, why do you want me to solve this, when you might as well look it up yourselves?" CJ was getting slightly tired of listening to the two always in some sort of humorous fight.

She pulled her dayplaner out of her purse and flipped it open.

"Josh the last time you had a night off was, oh let me just see, six weeks ago when you went to your niece's christening. I'm sure I remember that correctly because you left me with a huge bunch of exciting reading on tree-planting in american cities under the size of 20.000." Donna laughed trimphingly and Josh looked like he was ready to rip his own hair out.

"You owe me a big basket of beligian chocolates" Donna lightly punched Josh on the arm.

"Yeah and you owe me some more time off from you!" Josh mockingly replied.

"You both owe me some peace and quiet" CJ said a little too harsh. They both starred at her in surprice and began to walk backwards towards the door.

"Sorry guys, I'm just very tired. Have fun with the chocolates and Donna save some for me will you?" she finished off in a softer tone and saw them nodd before they quickly were out the door.

She leaned back in her chair and was about to pick up the phone when something caught her eye. She put down the phone and pulled her dayplaner towards her opening it wide.

She began counting tapping a pen on each fan of paper as she turned them. Then she looked up tears forming in her eyes. She recounted just to be sure and then closed her calender. This couldn't be true. She was late. She was never late. Panic started to form as a knot in her stomach. She was on the pill but she her last perscription was late and they had used a condom a couple of times before she had a chance to go call her doctor. She was almost sure they had remembered it everytime and... Suddenly she knew why she was late. Around seven weeks ago he had woken her one morning with slow kisses, tracing his fingers up her body. They had made love and yes they had not used a condom. She remembered thinking they had to remember it, but had then been blinded by their lovemaking and somehow they had forgotten, being use to being protected by the pill. How could she have so stupid? She felt tears fall from her eyes down her cheeks and didn't bother to wipe them away.

She picked up the phone to call her doctor.

"Doctor Andersons office may I help you?"

"This is CJ Gregg could I speak to Dr. Anderson?" CJ and Millie Anderson had known each other for a long time. They were more like friends than doctor and patient. Due to CJ crazy schedule she usually went to see Millie after opening hours.

"CJ?"

"Hi Millie I wondered if you had an opening for me sometime in the nearest future." CJ felt somewhat embarressed to make this call. She wasn't absolutely sure if she was right, but she was unsure enough to have it checkked.

"I have a time tomorrow evening around 7.45. pm. I have to stay in late anyway to prepare for my next medical conference. Is there anything in particular you wanted me to look at?" Millie had sensed CJ's reluctantness the moment she picked up the phone. Usually CJ was only in to get a new perscription for more birthcontrol pills or she would come for her quarterly physical which her job obliged her to. She had just recently had her perscription renewed and her physical was not due for another month so she wondered what would be CJ's reason for calling.

"Well... I guess, but I'm not entirely sure either, but better safe than sorry right?... "CJ began explaining but couldn't quite word it out.

"Claudia Jean are you okay?" Millie was getting worried. She was use to this strong, independent woman who never had a problem stateing anything. And now it seemed as if CJ didn't even know how to express herself in words.

" Millie... I'm late and I guess I wanted to make sure that everything was alright" CJ finally blurted out still seeming a bit unsure of how to say it.

"CJ that's great! Did you take any home pregnancy tests?" Millie stopped sensing that CJ didn't seem as thrilled as she did. She knew CJ had become involved with Danny. She had known for a while and she was only happy that they would start a family. She knew having a child was not at the top of CJ's list, but she was sure she'd make a wonderful mother and Danny was the one for her, she was sure of that.

"Pregnancy test?" CJ hadn't even though about that. Everything seemed to zoom in on her right at that moment as the realities of her possibly being pregnant really hit her.

"CJ it's going to be alright. Have you spoken to Danny yet? Maybe he wants to join you tomorrow?" Millie could feel that CJ wasn't exactly bouncing of the walls from happiness. She would even guess CJ was scared and confused at the moment.

CJ sat in her chair cluthing the phone in her hand. Being pregnant was the last thing she had on her mind at the moment. She sat there just listening to Millie's reassurances until Carol knocked on the door to let her know her senior staff meeting was about to begin. CJ quickly ended the conversation and promised to be there at 7.45. pm. the next day.

Carol immediately noticed CJ had been crying. She came in and walked over to the desk as CJ gathered the files and papers she was bringing to the meeting.

" CJ are you alright?" Carol asked in a soft voice. She also knew about Danny and CJ, and was extremely happy for the two. Finally CJ had fully let Danny into her world, her mind and her life.

"I'm fine Carol and I'm supposed to be meeting the others right now" CJ quickly walked by Carol avoiding her stare and soon joined the others in the Oval office.

--------------------------

**November 05**

"CJ, you have to tell him!" Abbey reached over and grabbed CJ's hand.

"Abbey he doesn't want children and he doesn't want me" CJ pulled her hand back. She had never felt worse. She missed Danny so much. She felt empty inside and everytime something reminded her of him she felt her heart sank.

Abbey was completely clueless. Danny did want CJ and the baby. She was sure of that. So why hadn't CJ not told Danny about her pregnancy and what had really made him leave.

"CJ what happened? Please tell me" Abbey begged CJ.

"It doesn't matter. He is never coming back. And every day it feels like I'm dying a bit more inside. I miss him so much I can't breath. Abbey help me" CJ sounded desperate and her voice broke at the end of the sentence.

"CJ I'm going to be here for you for as long as you need me. But I need to know what happened. Something terrible must have set this off. Or he would never have left. CJ he loves you" As Abbey spoke she saw tears well up in CJ's eyes.

The got up and went to the living room where they sat down on the couch. CJ decided to tell Abbey what had happened on that dreadful night three weeks ago.

... TBC in chapter 4 Broken Dreams


	4. Broken Dreams

**4. Broken Dreams**

**November 05, Three Weeks Ago**

On the morning of her doctors apointment CJ decided to buy a pregnancy test. She was going crazy from not knowing anything. Danny had noticed that she had been acting differently last night when they went to bed. She had convinced him that she was tired and he had fallen asleep not long after that. She had been in the bathroom thinking most of the night. When Danny awoke in the morning she had barely slept at all.

She had bought the preganancy test on her way to work and immediately went to the ladies room to try it. The test confirmed her worries. She was pregnant. She leaned against the restroom wall as Donna Moss entered.

"Hi CJ" she paused when she saw the empty look in CJ's eyes.

"CJ, what's wrong?" Donna placed her hand on CJ's right arm. But CJ just removed it and walked towards the door.

"Nothing's wrong Donna, I'm just tired." Donna failed to see the pregnancy test in CJ's left hand.

CJ did her best to seem herself for the rest of the day. But she suddenly saw babies everywhere. And pregnant women. Which was actuallly a pretty rare sign around the White House. She had never really paid attention to that before.

She was ready to leave for her doctors apointment when the First Lady knocked on her office door.

"Hi CJ, do you have a minute?"

"Well I was actually... yes of course I do" she pointed to the couch and they sat down. The First Lady immediately sensed something was off.

"CJ, are you ok?" She watched the younger woman's head snap up.

"I'm fine, I just have a lot on my mind at the moment." Abbey had known for a while now that CJ and Danny's relationship had gone beyond a platonic friendship. She figured the relationship and the reprecautions it might have later on still figured in CJ mind.

"Meeting Danny later?" CJ nodded.

"Yes he's coming over for a late dinner."

"Late? I thought you were finishing off now?" Abbey looked around and caught a climpse of Carol leaving.

CJ knew she had to leave soon if she didn't want to miss her apointment and she didn't feel like telling Abbey the entire story right now.

"He's working late on a piece on the new health care reform." CJ knew that she was lying but she truly intended to tell Abbey the truth later. She really had to go.

"Abbey, I actually promised Hogan that we could go shopping and I'm already late so..."

"Go, go" Abbey sensed that something was not right but CJ would tell her eventually if it was something important she was sure.

CJ got up quickly pulled on her jacket and grabbed her bag and purse.

As she walked out the door Abbey said to her:

"Hey CJ, everything is going to be alright with you and Danny. Trust me, I've never seen anyone so cracy about any woman he was seeing, as Danny is about you - well maybe except from my own dear husband" her comment made CJ smile and she waved at her to get going.

--------------------------

CJ arrived at her doctors office 10 minutes late. As she walked up the stairs she actually felt good. She had slowly started to get her mind around the fact that she was really pregnant. A baby. Well any other pregnancy would have been terrible. But this, with Danny. A small smile spread over her face and she pushed the door open to Millie's office.

As expected CJ was pregnant. Milllie confirmed what CJ already knew. She was almost seven weeks along. CJ left the office feeling strangely lightheaded and happy. A baby. She was actually looking forward to telling Danny. She was sure he would be thrilled. However, she knew telling the President and Leo might not be that funny.

On her way down the stairs from the office building she ran into Millie's husband Martin. The two went way back. They had actually date a couple of weeks in the beginning of college, before the Peter insident. Not a lot of people knew this, but CJ had actually been the one to introduce Millie, who's actual name was Emily to Martin.

CJ had met Millie at a women's medical conference in Chicago when she worked for Emily's List. At the time Martin lived in Chicago and the two were to meet for a drink after the program had ended. But unfortunately CJ got sick on the last day of the conference and instead of cancelling with Martin she sent Millie instead. It turned out very well and the two were married a year later. They now lived in D.C. where Millie had her own medical practice. Martin owned a small resturant and the pair had twin daughters the following year.

"CJ, it's so nice to see you again." Martin leaned in an gave CJ a small kiss on the cheek.

"What a surprice. Are you picking up Millie? I think she is just about finished." CJ leaned into the hug Martin extended. The two had always been more friends that potential lovers, which they both realised on their second date, where they caught each other chekking out other people during dinner.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were always the eH

shrine of healthyness" Martin began walking CJ to her car.

"And I am- just nedded a smaller check-up to make sure I was fit for fight." CJ actually felt like telling Martin that she was pregnant, but she really wanted Danny to be the first to know.

"So how are Eliza and Katie?" she asked referring to the twins.

"They're just fine. Starting high school next fall, can you believe it?" he looked to proud and happy. CJ felt her eyes well up. It couldn't be hormones already could it?

"Hey CJ, what's the matter?" Martin put his arm around her and pulled her in for a slight hug.

"I'm fine, I'm just so happy for you two. I hope I'll get to expirence the same happiness at some point" CJ dried her eyes and got into her car. Martin leaned in as she rolled down the car window.

"I'm sure you will. Take care CJ and come see us some time soon. The twins would love it if you could and so would we. And by the way, bring that somebody that makes you glow like that. He sure must be someone special." And with CJ drove back to her apartment feeling a little flushed and embarresed that it showed so easily to people she knew. She was in love.

When she returned to her apartment she noticed that all the lights in all the windows were off. She knew that Danny had to be there, because she had been running a little late due to her run in with Martin.

She entered her apartment and was surpiced to see Danny sitting in the couch with all the lights out.

"Danny, why are you sitting here in the dark?" CJ walked over and switched the light on.

"How was you shopping spree with Hogan?" He looked directly at her as he spoke. She could see anger in his eyes but also a hint of insecurity.

"What?" she was clueless for a moment until she suddenly remembered what she had told Abbey earlier.

"Danny, I didn't go shopping..." but she was interrupted.

"I know you didn't. I saw you CJ. God, I thought you had more class."

"Danny you saw what?" the happy feeling inside slowly faded. He was really angry and she felt a big argument brewing.

" Not only are you seing somebody else, but he was all over you in the middle of the street." Danny was so angry and hurt he was shaking.

He ran into Abbey on his way to CJ's. He told her he was on his way and she asked when CJ would be back from her shopping spree with Hogan. Danny knew Hogan was in back in Dayton with her dad this week. But he made small talk with the First Lady while he was wondering why CJ would tell the First Lady a lie.

On his way to her apartment he decided to bring her flowers. He rounded the corner of a smaller road where he knew there was a very good flower shop. Just as he was about to step out of his car something caught his eye on the opposite side of the road. It was CJ being kissed on the cheek by a very handsome man. They hugged long and seemed more than just ordinary friends. They released and started talking, and he walked her towards he car. As they reached the car he could see the man saying something that made CJ cry. The man pulled her to him again and they hugged. He slowly wiped the tears from her cheek.

Danny felt his heart sink. So this was shopping with Hogan. Suddenly everything made sense. Her being so tired all the time. Especially after the nights they didn't spend together.

CJ just stood there and listened to his allegations. She was totally speechless. She was so incredebly hurt that Danny would think she was seeing anyone else. She loved him and only him. For years she had hid her feelings and secretly longed for him. When they finally decided to move beyond friendship, she had never been more happy. He was the one and only she was meant to find.

"Danny you don't understand. The man I hugged was Martin Anderson. He's a friend from college. I just happend to run into him on my way to the car from..." she was interrupted.

"CJ don't lie to me." Danny rose from the couch and came towards her. She stepped back a few steps without even realising it.

"Danny listen Martin is married to my doctor, you know Emily Anderson. I went to see her today."

She could see he paused for a second at the mention of her doctor. He did some calculating and finally said:

"Well it's to early for you physical so what were you doing there?"

"Danny, remember you asked me to go see my doctor not long ago. I thought I take your advice." She wanted to tell him the truth but not like this, not as some stupid argument against his foolish ideas.

Danny looked at CJ. She seemed somewhat caught up in thought. He thought of the man kissing CJ on the cheek and felt the anger and hurt brew again.

"What were you doing there?" he asked again a little too loud. He closed the distance between them. Grabbing her arms to prevent her from turning away from him.

"Answer me CJ!" his voice was very loud now. He watched as CJ looked at him with both anger and sorrow.

"Danny, let go of me" she said softly as she lifted her head and looked at him. Tears slowly rolling down her cheeks.

Danny felt his heart break at that exact moment.

"Danny, these accusations are very hurtful. I thought you'd never question my love for you. Even after all this time. Martin is an old friend. Someone I knew from college. We went on one date. He is now married to my doctor Millie Anderson. I went to see Millie today because..."

The sound of the phone startled them.

"This is CJ Greeg" she answered her phone and listened to the voice on the other end.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes" she said goodbye and hung up.

"I need to..." she looked at Danny knowing that they hadn't dealt with their problem yet.

"Before I know what really happened today you are not going anywhere." Danny stepped infront of

"Danny I have to go" CJ said her voice a little stronger.

"CJ if you walk out now then that 's it for us. You and me, any future that we might have" Danny had her up against the wall now.

"Danny I have to go. We'll talk later. I have something important to tell you and this is not the time..." CJ tried to soothe him.

"CJ I swear if you leave now, I don't care if you're about to tell me you want to marry me, have kids and move to the suburbs, you can't keep shutting me out and if I can't even trust you to tell me who you fool around with in public..."

CJ stood as paralized as she listen to Danny. How could he ever assume that she would cheat on him, why wouldn't he listen to her. But the thing that hurt her the most was the fact that he could take her wanting to marry him and start a family so lightly that he would use it against her in a stupid fight like this.

"Danny get out" she spoke in a low voice. He didn't seem to her hear her at first. He was still rambling on about trust and Martin Anderson.

"Danny get out, get out of here, get out of my life." She now spoke with full force.

It seemed to surpice Danny as he took a steep back. He looked at her once more and then turned around as she yelled at him one last time.

"Get out, you can't just stand there and assume... Get out now"

The harsh sound of the door bolting open as two secret service agents came running in only made a small recollection in CJ mind. She felt as if she was standing in the middle of a cloud. She watched as Danny was escorted to the door my the two agents. She watched him turning his head and looking at her in surpice and how he tried to wrestle loose as he saw CJ staring to shake and sob loudly. But to CJ all of this seemed somewhat to be happening in a daze. Not until she head the sound of the closing door did she snap back to reality. She felt her body shaking and the dampness of her tears on her cheeks and her collarbone. She knew she had to go to work so she quickly got herself together and put on a fake smile as she grabbed her bag and some briefing notes from her diningroom table. She was out the door in five minutes and almost made it to her car before she broke down in violent sobs. She couldn't belive what had just happened. A stupid fight with all the wrong words and none of the right ones. She feared that she had lost Danny. She had to get him back.

"Ms. Gregg" the sound of her neighbour Mrs. Hunt startled her. Mrs. Hunt had just returned from her daily shopping and found CJ huddled next to her car. The younger woman was crying and seemed very upset. Mrs. Hunt had always liked President Bartlet's firery press secretary and when she realised CJ Gregg lived next door to her in the apartment building she had introduced herself and let CJ know she could always count on her to feed her cat and water her plants. CJ had laughingly told Mrs. Hunt that while there was no cat she might need someone to water her flowers from time to time and since then Mrs. Hunt had been like a nursuring friend, aunt or mother to CJ. And evenmore they both enjoyed it.

"What is wrong dear? Come with me, I'll take you to your apartment. You need to sit down." CJ knew she had to go to work, but at that particular moment she couldn't face anyone back at the White House.

"I need to get to work" CJ somehow managed to say in a somewhat normal voice.

She tried to stand up straight and was about to open her car door when the older woman gently lay her hand or CJ's.

"You are in no position to go anywhere, I'll take you to your apartment and then I'll call the White House and tell them you won't be comming in"

Mrs. Hunt followed her to her apartment where she litteraly got CJ to lay down on the couch and made her some tea. She asked CJ if she should call in. CJ called in herself. She spoke to Carol and explained that she had to be comming down with something. Carol immediately noticed that straign in CJ voice but didn't comment.

CJ had always liked her neighbour Mrs. Hunt and trusted her completely. She sometimes let her water her flowers if they were going on a longer trip. There had been times where Mrs. Hunt had made food for her and placed it at her doorstep when she came home. In some ways Mrs. Hunt seemed to be keeping an eye out for the younger women.

Mrs. Hunt watched as CJ fell asleep on the couch. Probably from exhaustion. It was exhaustion but not from work but from the emotional rollercoster CJ had been on in the last week. Mrs. Hunt had been worried about the young sleeping woman. A young woman in her prime working as hard as CJ without no private life had to feel lonely when she returned home at night. But Mrs. Hunt had recently seen a certain redhaired man in company with CJ. CJ had seemed happier, healthier and more at ease in the last couple of months so todays scene seemed very disturbing.

CJ only woke up to relocate herself from the couch to the bedroom. Mrs. Hunt let herself out of the apartment then and went back to her own. She worried about CJ but didn't go back to the apartment to check up on CJ, because she knew that would be out of line. Afterall she was not her real mother. Then a while after she ran into the First Lady in the hallway. She was amazed to see the First Lady letting herself into CJ's apartment and therefore asked how CJ was doing. The two women spoke shortly and both parted a slightly more worried than before they had met. Mrs. Hunt because CJ had not recovered from her illness and Mrs. Barlet because she sensed that this was not just some mild flu and wondering what had really happened already having Danny in mind.

--------------------------

**Present time**

Abbey held CJ while she cried. She dried her eyes and lightly ran her hand over CJ's hair. She made CJ tea and tried to be as good a friend as possible. She knew Danny stilled loved CJ, that he and CJ had both been carried away in their argument. However, the things Danny had said had been cruel and for a woman who just discovered that she was pregnant for the first time the words must have hurt like hell.

CJ looked over at Abbey. She was happy that Abbey had been such a good friend to her during all this, but she had to admit. She still missed Danny, with every breath she missed him even more. She wanted to tell him she was sorry for what she said, she wanted him to hold her again, to kiss her, to make love to her – simply love her.

But she knew he would never come back, she kept hoping he would call her, but for every hour that hope slowly vanished.


	5. Reality

**5. Reality**

**Three weeks later**

CJ had gone back to work. The staff all knew that Danny had left and they did their best to be there for CJ. It was obvious that she was still hurting from the loss. The first lady came down to see her every day and Josh acted like a small army towards anybody, every time the smallest crisis seemed to include or affect CJ.

She finally got back into the pressroom. Several of the reporters knew that Danny had vanished without reason and some of them wanted to persue the story but actually let go when they saw CJ back on the podium.

The offical reason for her absence was sickness. A nasty cold and flu. It could have been true. But the showing weightloss and evident dark circles under her eyes from sleep deprivation soon made it obvious to most people that something else was wrong. But people seemed to mind their own buisness.

Then one day as she was finishing off her morning briefing CJ suddenly felt very dizzy. She grabbed a hold of the podium and did her best to remain in control. But the entire press corps and the nation could then vitness on screen as their press secretary slowly lost all colour in her face, tried to hold on to her papers but finally collapsed on the floor.

In the minutes after the press room was a total chaos. Leo who had been watching came running along with Josh and Donna. Toby, who was in the room when she collapsed, quickly ran over, pushing over a couple of reporters on his way. He kneeled besides CJ and gently put one hand under her head and slid his other arm under her legs. He was lifting her as Leo entered. He ordered everyone away from CJ and Toby so he could carry her to her office. But on the way he ran into the President and the First Lady.

Abbey took one look at CJ and called for an ambulance. She checked CJ's pulse and her head for any injuries. If anyone was looking closely enough, which wasn't likely in the chaotic scenery, they would have seen the First Lady gently press on CJ lower stomach and check for hemorrhaging.

----------------------------------

It took exactly 34 minutes from the world had vitnessed CJ collaps, until the First Lady recieved the phone call she had been expecting, ever since she heard of the collaps. It was Danny.

She had specifically asked for him to be directed to her phone when he called. Because she knew it would only be a question of minutes and seconds before he would be on the line.

When she was handed the phone she knew in her heart that he still loved CJ.

"Hello Danny"

Silence...

"Danny?" He thought, he had been directed to the hospital staff.

"Mrs. Bartlet, should I be talking to you?" She could hear the desperation in his voice.

"Danny she is going to be just fine. But I think you need to come back now." She heard his breath become more restrained.

"Mrs. Bartlet I just need to know if she'll be ok. It won't be possible for me to ret..." She sensed he was choosing his words carefully – and bluntly cut him off.

"Danny I'm not asking you to come back. I'm telling you. CJ may be fine for now. This was a terrible scare for us all. But I doubt she'll be ok the next time if you don't come back."

"What do you mean ... next time? I don't understand" She could hear he was beginning to worry.

"Danny I know you've been watching her everyday on screen..." she was interrupted by CJ's doctor.

"Just a moment Danny"

Danny could hear the two talking but he only caught on to a few words.

"Last check-up" – "Dehydration" and "critical time for the..." he didn't catch on to the last word. But all of this was driving him crazy.

And yes she was right. He had been watching the press briefing today, hell he had been watching every single press briefing since he left. It was the only way he could see her without actually seeing her. And he could not lie, he had seen how she had looked when she returned from the alleged flu. She had lost weight. Quite a lot, which also showed more easily when you were as fit and thin as CJ was. And he had seen how the dark circles under her eyes was almost a part of her look these days. She had seemed a little better in the last week or two. But she was still too thin. And he hated that. Because he knew he had done that to her. He took it back. He took it all back. All those terrible things he had said to her on that night. She had said things too, but not as bad as he had. He had regretted everything the moment he had slammed the door to her apartment behind him on that faithful night. He missed her – God he loved her. He couldn't live without her, but he had too. They had both said they'd never want to see each other again and he was so sure he had ruined everything they had ever shared that night. He knew she would not take him back. But he wanted her too. He desperately wanted her too.

When he had seen her collaps he felt sick. He wanted to be there with her, to help her, make her better, make her fine again. Make her his. He had argued with himself for nearly 30 minutes before he picked up the phone. He knew that people in the staff had to know they had broken up. He knew that with CJ like this, he wouldn't exactly be mr. popularity amongst the staff. So instead of calling the white house he called the hospital she was taken to. He spoke to a woman who put him on hold as soon as he had introduced himself...

"I'm back" the voice of the First Lady brought him back to reality.

"Danny I am not kidding here. If you ever cared for CJ you would be on the next plane. She needs you Danny. There are things you should know that I can't tell you. Things you would want to know." Abbey knew this was her only shot at getting Danny back to D.C.

"Danny she loves you, she's dying without you in her life – and you must be too. How can you do this?"

"I'm on the next plane out. And Mrs. Bartlet..." the line went silent as she heard him take a deep breath "yes, I love her – of course I love her, I always will" With that they said their goodbye's.


	6. Hearts break hearts mend

Title: Without You  
Author: Writerinthemaking  
Feedback: Greatly appreciated   
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny  
Rating: T  
Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.  
Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing - How am I supposed to live without you is performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995

Authors Note: I have been extremely busy the last six moths, so I have kept you waiting. I am really sorry - I know how much I look forward to updates. I just hope this new chapter will satisfy you! Thank you for reading and please review!

**6. Hearts break - hearts mend**

Danny had never been as nervous as he was right now. The flight to Washington from L.A. had been long and nervous. Every ten minutes he would check online for news about C.J. He would call the hospital to check up on her and he would go to the bathroom on the plane.

Now he stood in a small bathroom stall and looked at himself in the mirror. He missed her like crazy. He knew he loved her and he had not had a good nights sleep since he left Washington after that faithful night. The sleep deprivation that showed as bags under her eyes in C.J's face in the weeks following her return to the White House and the subsequent weight loss after her alleged flu was the same with him.

He knew that C.J. had told Abbey about their fight, it was quite evident in the way she had sounded on the phone. He was still replaying the phone conversation in his mind.

"Last check-up" – "Dehydration" and "critical time for the..." He didn't know what to make of the small fractures of the conversation he had heard between Abbey and the doctor. He slammed his fist into the mirror in front of him. He was surprised when he looked up and saw tears on his cheeks.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door.

"Sir, is everything alright in there," the young female flight attendant sounded nervous. On her nametag it said: Marie Kay.

Danny tried to pull himself together. He quickly brushed his hand over his eyes to remove any traces of tears and opened the lock on the bathroom door.

The young woman outside looked at him with searching eyes. The man in front of her had dark circles under his eyes; it even looked like he had been crying. She had noticed earlier when she was serving coffee that he was reading the same news article online over and over again. It was about the president's press secretary. Apparently she had passed out during a press conference. Marie had always liked the strong and independent C.J. Cregg. A woman like CJ was a role model and someone to look up to.

Normally Marie would not take notice of what the passengers were reading or doing but something had caught her eye when she was handing out blankets later. She saw the red-haired man, who now stood before her, was looking at a picture with him and C.J. Cregg in close embrace. The picture looked recent judging by the appearances of the two, but it was wrinkled and one of the corners was ripped.

"Sir, is there something I can do for you?" Marie lowered the sound of her voice. She knew she had drawn attention to them before when she had knocked on the door.

"No thank you, I should go take my seat," Danny said. He started walking towards his seat but Marie soon noticed he was going in the wrong direction.

"Sir," she quickly caught up to him "your seat is back here." She led him to his first class seat. Normally Danny didn't travel first class but it was all there was left when he arrived at the airport looking for the next plane out.

When Danny got to his seat he sat down and looked at his watch. Three more hours until touch down. He sat there staring out the window. He couldn't wait to see her again. But he knew she would not be happy to see him. Abbey might have gotten her to tell her parts of the story but he was sure C.J. had not told Abbey about the end of their argument and why things had really ended.

Danny slowly felt himself nodding off and knew he would dream of it again. Their last fight.

-------------

**Oct. 05.**

After their initial fight Danny had politely but surely been escorted to the elevator by the two secret service agents. He knew he had no chance of getting back in there but he knew he had too. Seeing C.J. standing there shaking and crying had ripped his heart out. He had to get back in there. He also wanted to know who that man was, the man kissing C.J. on the cheek, hugging her and lending her his shoulder to cry on. He knew C.J. and this was not something she would let just anybody do. He was actually quite sure he was one of the only ones. Well him and the first lady. He was sure there had to be more to the story that C.J. was letting on and why had she blown up like that?

Danny knew better than to try to get back into the building so he walked around to the car parking. He knew C.J. would be coming out from there in a few minutes if she had to be at the White House in 15 minutes. The minutes went by and he finally realized that she would be going to the White House any time soon. He saw her neighbor Mrs. Hunt returning from her daily shopping. He liked Mrs. Hunt. She had treated him very kindly when he saw her in the hall. She was like a mother to C.J., who had told him how Mrs. Hunt kind of looked after her and her plants.

Something had to have happened since C.J. hadn't left yet. After nearly an hour and a half he decided to try his luck. He didn't see the agents on his way in. he figured they were back in the small apartment across from CJs.

He stepped out of the elevator just as Mrs. Hunt was leaving C.J's apartment. He knew something had happened since Mrs. Hunt had been in CJ's apartment. He waited until Mrs. Hunt was gone and then quickly went to the door and used his own key to get in. He knew this was risky but he didn't want to risk using the doorbell and having CJ slam the door in his face before they had a chance to talk. And he was sure the agents would not give him another chance to stay behind and wait for a second chance.

When he stepped into her apartment he somehow sensed that CJ was sleeping. There was no sound besides the dishwasher, which was probably put on by Mrs. Hunt. He walked to the bedroom and found CJ sleeping in the bed. She looked completely exhausted. He felt his heart ache for her. It had been a stupid fight. Of course she would never cheat on him. They loved each other. There was no way…

CJ slowly woke up sensing there was someone in the room with her. She saw Danny standing there and knew he had been waiting to get in. The two locked eyes. Maybe everything was not lost. They had both been foolish and the fight had been wrong. She could see how it had to have looked to Danny when she embraced

Danny felt a single tear escape his right eye and slowly slide down his cheek. How could he be such an idiot? Their relationship was worth all the small misunderstandings in the world, but standing there with CJ looking at him made him scarred. What if she didn't feel the same way?

Seeing the tear on Danny's cheek made CJ well up too. She slowly drew back the covers of the bed for him to get in. In a second he was besides her, kissing her and holding her.

"I hate it when we fight, I'm sorry I didn't trust you" was all he could say.

She answered him with a deep kiss and they tumbled about in the bed to remove all their clothes before they made love without any words but tears when they finally reached ecstasy.

Afterwards they lay entwined both trying to figure out how to start the conversation that would have to come next.

None of them knew that the next 25 minutes might forever jeopardize everything they had together.

"Danny, I think we have to talk…" CJ sat up and wrapped the sheet around her still naked body.

"Yes, I know. This was all a big mistake" Danny sat besides her in the bed holding her hand and continued…

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Yep, that's all for now folks – do you want more then after reading - review please! Is there something you like, dislike, want more of - less of? I took a long time trying to figure out where I wanted this fight to go so please bear with me ok? But it's great to be back, and once again I've managed to stay up half the night to write this;) But I love doing this so it's really no sweat.


	7. Thunder and Lightning

Title: **Without You**  
Author: Writerinthemaking  
Feedback: Greatly appreciated   
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny  
Rating: T  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.

Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing  
-How am I supposed to live without you - performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995.  
-

Authors Note: I have been extremely busy the last six months, so I have kept you waiting. I am really sorry - I know how much I look forward to updates. I just hope this new chapter will satisfy you! Thank you for reading and please review!

----------

**Oct. 05 **

**7. Thunder and lightning **

"I remembered how you gave me a chance to explain about Katherine. So I guess I should apologize now," Danny squeezed her hand a little and gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

"Danny, I felt like the world was ending when you left earlier. I would never ever betray you like that. The man you saw is my doctor's husband and I hadn't seen him in ages. Yes, we did go on a date or two in college, but we never really found ourselves falling in love with each other. I introduced him to Millie later on and they now live here in Washington with their twin daughters." CJ wanted to explain all the surrounding information before revealing the big news.

"I see. I guess I overreacted when I saw the two of you. I just never expected to see you right there and then, that's all." Danny felt relieved when he heard the story. He figured that was the way CJ had felt when she saw him with Katherine the first time on the plane.

They hugged and CJ felt a twitch of nervousness. Somehow she didn't really know how to tell Danny about the baby. They had never really spoken of children and this was as far away from Planned Parenthood as anything could be.

"Hey, are you ok?" Danny moved to sit across from her on the bed. Their knees touching lightly. He saw something in CJ eyes. Sincerity with a hint of shyness. He felt his stomach tighten lightly. What if there was really more to the story, and why had she been crying?

"Danny how many sisters and brothers do you have?" CJ eased into the conversation with an open question.

Danny looked at her in wonder, why was she bringing this up now?

"Four sisters and two brothers. Why do you ask, I thought you already knew this?" Danny felt CJ tense up, he could figure out why she wanted to talk about his family now.

"Yeah I guess I knew. Did you like having a lot of kids around you when you were younger?" CJ didn't know where she was going; this telling the expecting father was a lot harder that she had thought.

Danny sensed the seriousness in CJ's voice. He was completely clueless right now.

"I love them all but seven children might be more than I'm up for" he answered in a cheerful voice. Danny wondered if CJ wanted their two families to meet but he was quite sure she thought it was to early. And right now he wanted to know more about why CJ had been crying when she stood in the sidewalk outside her doctor's office. Had something happened in there?

CJ was opposite Danny she had her back to the windows but could hear rain and the wind picking up outside. She felt her insecurities resurface, what if he didn't want children. The sound of Danny's slightly raised voice startled her.

"CJ?" she had not hear him the first couple of times. "Why were you crying today?" Danny asked feeling the anxiousness rise in him. She had been so tired and worn out lately.

CJ smiled. He really was sweet sometimes.

"I was just…" she didn't know how to explain. At once everything just boiled down to one thing.

"Danny do you want children?" CJ spoke in a calm and collected voice but she avoided eye contact.

The silence seemed deafening. CJ felt like years went by before Danny took her hands and spoke.

"I haven't thought about children in a long time. After I met you I just felt so blessed to have found the woman of my life." Danny paused. He was fairly sure CJ didn't want children, even though they had never spoken of it. She was probably scared that he would expect her to want children now. Maybe that was why she was crying earlier. Maybe her doctor had told her it was to late. None of them were exactly young anymore.

"At some point I wanted children" he looked at CJ and saw raw emotion in her eyes. "I'm just happy that were together now and that all that matters. Is this what has been bothering you?" he reached out to draw her into an embrace but she politely but clearly drew back from him.

"So you don't want children," CJ bluntly stated. This was not going the way she had wanted this to go. She battled with herself about telling Danny the truth and in the process got up and went to the window. She stared into out into the darkness. It sounded like a thunderstorm was in the making. The storm outside certainly described how she felt inside.

Danny sat in the bed looking at CJ. He had thought his answer would make her at ease but her blunt statement before sounded more disappointed than relieved. He was confused. Where was she going with this?

"CJ do you want children?" The question rolled of his lips as the first lightning illuminated the dark bedroom. He saw CJ turn and as she faced him he saw tears on her cheeks.

"I guess it doesn't matter. You've made up your mind already." she was surprised at how calm she sounded.

"I don't understand where you're going with this." Danny got out of the bed and stood by the bedroom door facing her. "CJ you are not being fair." He slowly started walking towards her.

"Not fair?" she said her voice in a higher pitch. "Do you want to know what is not fair Danny? You not trusting me enough to even hear me out. I remember being really hurt when I saw Katherine's head on your shoulder. But I still let you explain. You just stood there accusing me of sleeping around. You really don't know me do you?" She heard her voice increasing and felt the tears on cheeks but chose to ignore them.

A loud thunder made her jump a little and step away from the window but she chose to walk towards the bed instead of him.

Danny stood for a while just taking it all in. In the back of his mind he had known she would have more to say about their fight earlier. He wanted to listen but he was so taken by her reaction that he finally chose to play offence instead of defense.

"I thought we were supposed to tell each other everything. I knew you were not doing terrific when I asked you to go see your doctor. I've seen you look and be more tired in the last month but I decided to let you share what you wanted with me. I waited and hoped you would but you never did. You don't think I know you spent nights in the bathroom by yourself? I wanted to go you but I know you like your privacy so I let you be. I wanted you to tell me CJ. Why didn't you? And then you go and lie to the First Lady and make me look like a fool for not knowing anything. What am I supposed to think?" Danny felt the anger and confusing rise in him. During his monologue he had walked towards CJ. She wasn't looking at him as he spoke she was looking at some stupid spot on the wall behind him. But as soon as he finished she spoke with a chilling voice.

"If you're such a great fan of honesty then why didn't you come to me in the middle of the night when I was camped out in the bathroom? Don't you think I needed you? Danny I don't understand..." she paused and tried to walk past him but he was not about to let her go now.

He grabbed her by the arm and turned her towards him. She pulled back and lost her balance. She fell back on the bed. He was by her side in an instant. He had not wanted to hurt he, he was not like that and thankfully she knew that. But she crawled back onto the bed and stood up on the other side.

"The only thing I never thought you would do was to ask me to choose between you and my job. And then you went and did it anyway. If you can't live like this then tell me right now instead of running around in circles." CJ knew she was pushing it. She was usually the one calling the shots on their relationship.

The reaction also came fast and furiously:

"I waited for you for years. You made me look like a fool so many times and I still came back because I loved you. I loved you, don't you realize that?" Danny was really mad by now.

"Don't ever question my intentions Claudia Jean. I'm not interested in this who did what to whom game. My life is just to God damn short for that."

CJ knew he was mad. He very rarely used her full name. But to hear him say his life was too short for this. He himself had told her often that he was there for the long run. In that moment it made her question their entire future.

"If you're not up for this then I won't hold you back. You're free to go. But just know that if you leave it will be for good. No more using Gail to ease your way in. No more short cuts and we are through!" CJ felt herself shaking as she said the last three words. She didn't know if it was from the angry adrenalin or the deep sorrow she already felt crawling all under her skin.

Danny took a moment to take it all in. And then delivered his last part of the conversation.

"I never used you. I can't believe you would even say that. God, CJ do you really want to end this here and now? " he felt drained from this that he only had one last thing to say:

"Goodbye CJ, I hope you find someone who will take all your crap. All your insecurities. How could I ever fall this hard and deep for you?"

With that Danny gathered his clothes and was out the door before CJ had a chance to tell him she was sorry. Even before the door had slammed behind him she had regretted every word and every sentence.

She ran to the front door just as it slammed and started bouncing on it with her clenched fists. She then felt herself slide to the floor and nearly passing out. The last 24 hours had been the worst in her entire life. Somehow she managed to get herself back to her bedroom where she collapsed on the bed.

-------------

**Mid December 05.**

Danny awoke as the plane descended for landing. When the plane touched the ground in DC he was determined to get CJ back. He almost ran through the terminal to the cabs. On the way to the hospital he thought back on the time they had been apart. How he had managed to get through it was still a miracle. After he had left on that faithful night he had gone straight to the airport. He bought a ticket to L.A. via Atlanta. He had no destination he just needed to put distance and a lot of it between the two.


	8. Surviving Somehow

Title: **Without You  
**Author: Writerinthemaking  
Feedback: Greatly appreciated   
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny  
Rating: T  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.

Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing  
-How am I supposed to live without you - performed by Michael Bolton Greatest Hits 1985-1995.  
- I die a little – performed by Julie – Home 2003

Authors Note: I have been extremely busy the last six months, so I have kept you waiting. I am really sorry - I know how much I look forward to updates. I just hope this new chapter will satisfy you! Thank you for reading and please review!

**8. Surviving somehow**

**Sometime during November 05.**

Danny was in a rental car headed somewhere – anywhere. He had never felt this empty before. He felt like he was missing out on the greatest thing that had ever happened to him. He turned the radio on and listened, as love song after love song just seemed to blend in and make him feel even more depressed. As he saw the last rays of the sun setting he listened to a new song. The female vocalist somehow reached deep within him with her soft and jazzy voice as she put words to all his deepest thoughts. He felt the tears in his eyes and didn't fight them.

"_**I die a little"**_

_In the morning, in the morning I'm alright_

_The sun is so bright, the sky is so clear_

_But by the evening, by the evening I can tell_

_Nothing will help if you won't be here_

_I'm trying to live my life from day to day_

_But the sun goes down and steals the hope away_

_I die a little every night, every night you go again_

_And every night I know_

_You won't come though the door_

_I cry in the middle of the night_

_The night that never seems to end_

_Then just when it seems I can't, I die a little more_

_When you held me_

_When you held my I could dream_

_I could believe that was enough_

_But in the darkness, in the darkness I can see_

_Whatever will be will never be love_

_I'm gonna try to keep the flame alive_

_But when the cold wind blows_

_I doubt that we'll survive_

_I die a little every night, every night you go again_

_And every night I know_

_You won't come though the door_

_I cry in the middle of the night_

_The night that never seems to end_

_Then just when it seems I can't, I die a little more_

_I wish that I could find a reason to let you go_

_But I don't know where to start_

_Every road leads back to your heart_

_I die a little every night, every night you go again_

_And every night I know_

_You won't come though the door_

_I cry in the middle of the night_

_The night that never seems to end_

_Then just when it seems I can't, I die a little more_

_I die a little every night, every night you go again_

_And every night I know_

_You won't come though the door_

_I cry in the middle of the night_

_The night that never seems to end_

_Then just when it seems I can't, I die a little more_

In a bedroom across the country a crying CJ tried to release herself from her thoughts by turning on the radio. She switched channels many times before a soft and jazzy voice flowed into the bedroom and a soft and jazzy voice sang out her innermost feelings. Nothing seemed to ease her mind. The sound of rain silently tapping on her window just reminded her of that faithful night not long ago.

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I really hope you like this and if you want more, then let me know;)


	9. Teardrops in heaven

Title: **Without You  
**Author: Writerinthemaking  
Feedback: Greatly appreciated   
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny  
Rating: T  
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.

Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing

Authors Note: I have been extremely busy the last six months, so I have kept you waiting. I am really sorry - I know how much I look forward to updates. I just hope this new chapter will satisfy you! Thank you for reading and please review!

**9. Teardrops in heaven**

**Dec. 05.**

As soon as Danny stepped inside the hospital lobby, he was greeted by a nurse. She gently grabbed his arm and guided him to the elevators.

"The First Lady said to go to the 5th floor," she told him with a small smile. Danny thanked her. He knew he was being smuggled in but he didn't care. He was not here as a reporter but as; his thoughts paused to decide on what to call himself. As a friend he finally decided.

When the elevator doors parted on the 5th floor Danny looked into a small chaos. But it was not as he thought White House staff but doctors and nurses. He saw two women sitting in the waiting area around the desk, and a big family on the way to visit someone. He saw flowers and tasteful art on the walls. He stepped out and walked towards the desk but another young nurse came to him.

"Mr. Concannon?" she obviously knew him.

"Yes, that's me, I'm here to see C.J. Cregg I believe…" he didn't have a chance to finish.

"Ms. Cregg is resting, I'm to take you to our staff-room." She said and led him to a small office with a table, chairs, a couch, a small television and a lot of 'thank you' cards on the walls.

"Someone will come get you in a couple of minutes," and with that she left him.

Danny sat down on the couch; he got up and walked around the room. He was so close to her but yet so far away. He knew he had said the most horrible things to her.

He remembered her last words: "we are through!"

The door opened and he turned around to face CJ's assistant Carol. She slowly walked towards him and he felt very uncomfortable. Carol had been a great help during their courtship, but he also knew she was very protective of her boss. Therefore, it surprised him even more when Carol reached him and gave him a big hug.

"What took you so long?" she asked, her voice thick from exhaustion.

"I don't know" he answered truthfully as he realized he really didn't know what in the world could have kept him away for so long.

"How is she?" Danny asked knowing he was not out of the woods yet. Carol tensed up and went over to the couch to sit down.

"The First Lady will be here shortly," she saw the worry in Danny's eyes. "She's going to be just fine Danny. With you back in town, she'll have a reason too, right?"

Before Danny had a chance to answer her the door opened again and the First Lady stepped in.

"Hi Danny, oh Carol will you stand outside the door and knock if anyone want to come in?" Carol nodded and gave Danny a small smile before closing the door behind her.

Abbey took a good long look at Danny. She was happy he was back because she knew CJ needed him more than she would ever care to admit. But also because she was pretty sure CJ had been holding back when she told Abbey what had really happened when they split up.

He looked exhausted. The spark that usually shone through in his eyes when he was around CJ, was totally extinct. She knew none of them had dealt with this separation very well. They had been fighting for this love so long before they had a chance to enjoy it, and having it taken away was equivalent to them slowly dying inside.

"Is she going to be alright?" Danny asked not being able to wait for Abbey to speak.

"She will be fine but the two of you get it together and sort things out." Abbey looked directly at Danny while she spoke. She had said the same to CJ when she told her to call Danny a couple of hours earlier. But CJ shook her head and closed her eyes, the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.

"It's over, I blew it Abbey, I told him to get out of my life for good"

Danny felt a little relieved. She was going to be all right and now he had the chance to take it all back, to hold her again, to kiss her and love her. If only he didn't blow it now.

"Do you think she will see me," he asked almost begging. Abbey looked at him. She smiled a little; these two really loved each other so much they couldn't seem to find each other in the big sea of gigantic feelings and thoughts.

"I'm sure she wants to but she's pretty shaken up and she's sleeping right now so when you get in there remember to take it slowly no matter what happens okay?" Abbey got up to show Danny CJ's room but realized when she reached the door that he was still sitting on the couch.

"Danny?"

"I never should have left. What if she won't take me back?" Danny spoke more to himself than to Abbey. She walked back and sat down.

"Danny love is not supposed to be easy and happy all the time, sometimes it's messy and we forget to listen, but when it's someone who really matters we eventually get our priorities straight, now go sit with her, she needs you," Abbey got up and pulled at Danny's hand.

They walked in silence to CJ's room where Donna sat holding CJ's left hand. CJ was sleeping but it was not a peaceful sleep, her head was going from one side to the other, her right hand was tugging slightly at the sheet and she had a thin layer of sweat covered her forehead. Donna rose as Danny walked over. She gave him a small peek on the cheek before handing over CJ's hand to Danny's left. When their hands touched she suddenly became peaceful and rolled over in her sleep to hold his hands between hers.

Danny sat down, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. Donna and Abbey left the room as quickly and quietly as possible.

Danny's right hand reached over and brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. He had been gone way to long but now he was back and he intended to stay forever.

It had been a couple of hours and Danny was about to doze off when CJ woke. She slowly opened her eyes. She had been dreaming of him. Of him coming to her, holding her hand, kissing her forehead. As she slowly came back to reality she realized that he was really there. She could feel his hand between hers. It was not thin and fragile as Donna's but strong and soft. She could smell his aftershave even before she realized she was awake.

She saw him sitting there, almost asleep. Then the reality came crashing back to her and she withdrew her hand in a sharp pull. Danny's head snapped back and his eyes locked with hers in an instant.

---------------

I have been very productive in the last couple of days. If you want more, then please review! It's helps, encourages and inspires! Daisy Wilson, thank you for your encouraging words!


	10. Building a mystery

Title: **Without You   
**Author: Writerinthemaking   
Feedback:Greatly appreciated    
Classification: The West Wing – CJ/Danny   
Rating: T   
Spoilers: None really – it's purely fictional - AU.

Summary: CJ and Danny face the challenges of their long awaited romance. Sometimes love is not enough, life is messy and we forget to listen. But some things are just too important to miss out on.

Disclaimer: All characters belong entirely to Aaron Sorkin and The West Wing

Authors Note: I have been extremely busy lately. But now it seems I've got more time and inspiration to write so here we go. Thanks for the reviews, they are always very encouraging.

**10. Building a mystery **

**Dec. 05.**

"What are you doing here?" her voice sounded formal but the tears on her cheeks betrayed her.

"Where else would I be?" he said in a soothing voice and reached for her hand again.

"How are you feeling?" Danny asked.

"Better now that you are here," she answered him truthfully.

CJ was so happy to see him sitting by her bedside. She had refused to call him earlier, when Abbey asked her if she had called him. She wanted him there for sure but there was no use in calling him now after all this time. She realized that Danny probably had called to check up on her and smiled a little knowing that Abbey probably had told him to come. She didn't really care why and how he had come, he was here and she felt hope and life resurfacing inside her.

"I missed you" she managed to say before her voice was taken over by sobs. He quickly moved to hold her.

"I'm so sorry I left. I don't know why it took me this long to come back" he said while gently stroking her hair. She took a deep breath and looked up at him. Their eyes locked and for what seemed an eternity they somehow found their way back to each other. He slowly reached down and kissed her softly on the lips. She returned the kiss with a passionate hunger and soon he was pretty much lying down on the bed as well.

She froze as his hand reached for her under the thin covers. He stopped and looked at her with questioning eyes. Suddenly she didn't know how she could have kept it from him.

"Danny" she whispered as she placed his hand on her slightly rounded abdomen "I'm pregnant."

She saw how his eyes grew wide and how a small smile spread on his lips. But then a serious glance came into his eyes.

"Were you pregnant when I left?" she noticed the evident anger and disappointment in his voice.

"Danny, I…I'm sorry…yes… yes I was pregnant but everything just…. I'm sorry… I don't know…please…" she tried to explain but knew her efforts were fruitless. She feared he would withdraw from her. She knew she deserved it so to save herself from the pain she moved a bit away from him, looking down at their still entwined hands.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he said in an angry tone. But then he suddenly realized everything, about the doctor's appointment, about the family talk and about her confusing arguments. The conversation with the first lady made sense now. He looked at her and felt her hands begin to tremble. She was slowly trying to withdraw her hands and he noticed she also moved her body away from his. He had never felt like a bigger idiot his entire life.

He knew what she was thinking. He quickly reached over and drew her into his arms and held her tight. He felt her stiffen before she relaxed a little bit. His hand reached up and lifted her head by raising her chin with his fingers.

"I'm not going anywhere CJ!" he stated in a soothing voice as he softly forced her body back against him.

"I'm so sorry Danny" she whispered and then came all her thoughts and worries tumbling out:

"I wasn't even sure I wanted to become a mother when I found out, let alone if you wanted to become a father. There were so many obligations, and we never talked about having children. I never thought I would be here, pregnant and truly in love…" at the sound of her last words, Danny kissed her hard and passionately.

They both lay down on the bed him spooned up against her, his hand resting on her abdomen and she actually started dozed of as he stroked her hair lightly.

"Sleep darling" he whispered reassuringly when he felt her fighting her strong fatigue.

"Danny I know we need to talk, I am aware that I need to explain…" she tried to stay awake but the relief and the many weeks of turmoil had now left her totally exhausted.

"I'm never leaving you again, so you bet we'll have time to talk, but sleep now my love" Danny said just as she fell asleep.

He lay by her side thinking about what an idiot he had been. And how lucky he had been to be given a second chance. And when her hand came down to settle over his in her sleep it finally hit him. She was really pregnant. It was not just a dream. He was finally here with her. Not alone in some motel room or on a friend's couch somewhere. Before when she told him it had been amazing but in some odd way just being back together seemed to blur everything else.

There was a slight knock on the door as the nurse entered with the first lady. It was not normal procedure that guests could sleep or even lay in the patient's bed and Danny knew it, but when he tried to get up CJ almost started crying and calling for him in her sleep. It was obvious that she was dreaming but the heart-breaking look on Danny's face was too much. The nurse looked at the First Lady and then gave Danny a small smile. He gently lay back down and held CJ as the nurse checked CJ's iv-drop and temperature.

When she left Danny asked the First Lady to stay.

"How far along is she?" Danny asked while gently stroking CJ hand.

"She told you?" Abbey smiled.

"Well, I was well on my way to finding it out on my own, when she stopped me" he stated with small smile.

"I think you shouldn't tell CJ that you told me that," Abbey laughed softly.

"But seriously Danny it good to have you back" she told him in a warm tone but her voice then grew a bit stern.

"I know some of what happened and I'll leave the rest up to you, however CJ has been under a great amount of stress lately so you better be in this for the long run because she…" Danny interrupted her.

"Abbey look at me?" Danny simply stated. She saw how he looked at CJ and knew that she was right. He loved her, he was madly in love with her and he would never ever leave her like that again.

"Good Danny because Jed was just about to send in the marines when he saw her after she collapsed" Abbey told him.

"I know I screwed up and I'm gonna do my best to never let her feel the like that again" Danny said in a true and honest voice.

"Good" Abbey stated and continued "She's three months pregnant so you'll be a father by the end of May" she said as she stood up to leave.

She gave Danny a light peek on the cheek and smoothed away a lock of CJ hair from her face before she turned to leave. Before she left she turned and said:

"By the way, Jed wanted me to tell you it's about time you make an honest woman out of CJ"

"I certainly intend to" Danny answered and pointed to his coat.

"I came baring gifts," he said with a small smile as Abbey smiled back before she closed the door after her.

As the door closed CJ started to wake up.

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I truly hope you are enjoying this story, I love writing it and even though it might seem like it's ending there are a lot more coming your way if you want it to be… ;) Thank you for reading my story WITM


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